How bittersweet a year this as has been as we wind down the hours and get ready for the New Year before us. Mine has been one of adventures~ new friends~ new business relationships and purging of those whom just "don't get it" as we like to say. I have been open and candid with my tales and triumphs over the past few month's and remain true to my word as I always have been. What I came home to no one should ever have to feel that level deceit and betrayal but it was not just one person. I came thru the fire and now stand on my two 7" stilletos and though the tears came quite readily a entirely new person whom had lost some of herself along the way emerged. I am determined not defeated.
The other person who now haunts me thru facebook will meet her own destiny. It is so easy to hide behind others, how cowardly these actions are that I pity her. For she will remain stuck, playing a game trying to be something she will never be nor ever could be due all to her own issues she chose not to face. So for me to be the scapegoat just will not happen any longer. She has to look in the mirror everyday ~ Karma baby is a BIOTCH and mine just so happens to wear 7" Louboutins and yes I can run, jump and swim in them if I have to. It is sad when one tries to assume anothers role ~ be happy with whom you are as you can't be anyone else but you no matter how you try. How did it work for ya?
So has the healing begun yes and each day baby steps are taken. Communciation has opened and that is all I asked for. It was needed for us to move in any type of forward motion. I refuse to remain "stuck" over actions of others. ~ I am good with whom I am today,tomorrow and the next. Does the story end here? Oh no there is so much more to tell as this path has only just begun ~I have yet to really get to the good stuff~
Happy New Year to all !
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The Tailspin
I sit here now and gaze at five legal pads full of "book" and wonder just how in the hell this will all play out. The holidays for me have been bittersweet since Christmas Eve of 1989, a day that again altered my life forever. That morning at 2 a.m. brought the news to my family of my brother's death earlier in the night, 11:15 to be exact.
I find humor here, my mother first slammed the door in the State Troopers face and then yelled at me as she thought I had received a ticket. Soon after the phone rang it was Newtown Square Police the friendly voice of Jim asking me to open the door. We gathered in the breakfast room as the news delivered did not make sense at first. My brother was a Jr. and my father had just passed the year prior, but they did not say Jr. Like a bolt of lightning it hit they realized "Jay" was a Jr. and the rest shall we say was a blur of phone calls, funeral homes. and family while trying to get the pieces to this puzzle sifted out as information was not forthcoming .To this very day I am either awake until 11:15 or wake up at 2 a.m. for those few moments and remember. This year has been bittersweet to say the least, so I bundled Jackie O up in her finest embroidered plaid coat and off we went to the cemetery . The night was still and the moon enshrouded in clouds as we sat in the cold and had quite a conversation with them all. I asked for a sign on this morning, little did I know it was to come.
The message appeared on my phone at 9:58 a.m., I froze while wondering if indeed this was some type of cruel joke. There it was in plain sight, now remember I have not had any contact with him in well over five month's which was not my doing. I dropped the phone, battery popping out it slid across the kitchen floor where frantically like a school girl I fumbled, regained composure and finally the phone rebooted. I opened the email it was from him wishing me a Merry Christmas and wondering how I was doing. The words were kind, sweet in true fashion my pet name lead off the email. I melted and thus began the tailspin. The entire bag of mixed emotions washed over me like Niagara Falls as I wondered, do I answer, what do I say and how do I say it so it does not come off wrong all went through my mind at warp factor speed. Captain James T. Kirk would have been astonished and no Scottie to bean me up. I would be lying like a rug if I did not say that I missed him. I was totally blindsided by this nightmare and tossed into quagmire of shit. We have a very deep history as I have explained in prior blogs. That "pookie" got me through some strange ass days in the previous month's.
I answered five different times all to be discarded as I hoped that my email back wouldn't be taken out of context. I inquired about how he was and what was going on and if he was o.k. and was it really him. The later being my first thought that had entered my mind besides why now? I chose not to go down that road, email was not the place for that and I was overjoyed that he reached out. I received a sweet reply that he was hanging in there like I was and that he would be in touch later. LATER is what killed me, would he come by, when would come by, would he call me, yes all of that shit as tears streamed down my face, the little girl in me popped out. So much for hangin tough ~ right? This will be for another day ~
The past month's for me have been one of soul searching as I have discovered many sidelined shall we say qualities about myself through the various people that I have connected with . I have been a guest on ABCNEWSNOW.com and have spoken in the radio blogsphere on many shows. I must own and keep it real as I do in my business world that is how I am true to whom I am and to my clients whom work with me. If one is not true than one cannot be true to others, and I make no promises.
I have learned patience, tolerance, forgiveness and have allowed myself to grieve for those whom I have not over the years. This valuable learning came through a very hard life lesson. Being the only standing member of a family is really bizarre. I had hoped upon my return to express this to him but that was not to be, within 24 hours my world crashed and burned. I cannot take it back, he stood by me every step of the way while giving up part of whom he is, but he allowed that to take place he made that sacrifice on his own. Each of us must atone for our actions, he needs to take ownership for his and find his integrity. My only wish is for me to be able to explain that to him.....and begin the healing and friendship that we have underneath it all
Now where is the damn Rock Salt???
I find humor here, my mother first slammed the door in the State Troopers face and then yelled at me as she thought I had received a ticket. Soon after the phone rang it was Newtown Square Police the friendly voice of Jim asking me to open the door. We gathered in the breakfast room as the news delivered did not make sense at first. My brother was a Jr. and my father had just passed the year prior, but they did not say Jr. Like a bolt of lightning it hit they realized "Jay" was a Jr. and the rest shall we say was a blur of phone calls, funeral homes. and family while trying to get the pieces to this puzzle sifted out as information was not forthcoming .To this very day I am either awake until 11:15 or wake up at 2 a.m. for those few moments and remember. This year has been bittersweet to say the least, so I bundled Jackie O up in her finest embroidered plaid coat and off we went to the cemetery . The night was still and the moon enshrouded in clouds as we sat in the cold and had quite a conversation with them all. I asked for a sign on this morning, little did I know it was to come.
The message appeared on my phone at 9:58 a.m., I froze while wondering if indeed this was some type of cruel joke. There it was in plain sight, now remember I have not had any contact with him in well over five month's which was not my doing. I dropped the phone, battery popping out it slid across the kitchen floor where frantically like a school girl I fumbled, regained composure and finally the phone rebooted. I opened the email it was from him wishing me a Merry Christmas and wondering how I was doing. The words were kind, sweet in true fashion my pet name lead off the email. I melted and thus began the tailspin. The entire bag of mixed emotions washed over me like Niagara Falls as I wondered, do I answer, what do I say and how do I say it so it does not come off wrong all went through my mind at warp factor speed. Captain James T. Kirk would have been astonished and no Scottie to bean me up. I would be lying like a rug if I did not say that I missed him. I was totally blindsided by this nightmare and tossed into quagmire of shit. We have a very deep history as I have explained in prior blogs. That "pookie" got me through some strange ass days in the previous month's.
I answered five different times all to be discarded as I hoped that my email back wouldn't be taken out of context. I inquired about how he was and what was going on and if he was o.k. and was it really him. The later being my first thought that had entered my mind besides why now? I chose not to go down that road, email was not the place for that and I was overjoyed that he reached out. I received a sweet reply that he was hanging in there like I was and that he would be in touch later. LATER is what killed me, would he come by, when would come by, would he call me, yes all of that shit as tears streamed down my face, the little girl in me popped out. So much for hangin tough ~ right? This will be for another day ~
The past month's for me have been one of soul searching as I have discovered many sidelined shall we say qualities about myself through the various people that I have connected with . I have been a guest on ABCNEWSNOW.com and have spoken in the radio blogsphere on many shows. I must own and keep it real as I do in my business world that is how I am true to whom I am and to my clients whom work with me. If one is not true than one cannot be true to others, and I make no promises.
I have learned patience, tolerance, forgiveness and have allowed myself to grieve for those whom I have not over the years. This valuable learning came through a very hard life lesson. Being the only standing member of a family is really bizarre. I had hoped upon my return to express this to him but that was not to be, within 24 hours my world crashed and burned. I cannot take it back, he stood by me every step of the way while giving up part of whom he is, but he allowed that to take place he made that sacrifice on his own. Each of us must atone for our actions, he needs to take ownership for his and find his integrity. My only wish is for me to be able to explain that to him.....and begin the healing and friendship that we have underneath it all
Now where is the damn Rock Salt???
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Enuff already
I sit in my office on this cool November day pondering much that has transpired over the past few month's and possibly the past year in my life. I am grateful for those whom have whethered this storm with me, as I face the final hurdle of this intrinsic web that has been weaved. I am still for the most part frustrated as each day passes it is driving me crazy to be honest !
Some may say I am bitter, trust me far from that, I am disappointed in the man that I fell head over heels in love with many years ago. We have changed, I don't even know him anymore to be honest maybe I actually never did, his sense of reality stymies even me. You see he became my co-dependant on some levels. I never wished to have a "yes" man I have to a degree learned why he did it, but maybe just possibly I wished him not to say "yes". Just once say no create the banter we used to have would I have gotten upset? Probably not, would I get over it ? Oh hell to the yes ~
Hard frigging lesson to learn when you love someone so completely and you have that trust even though it had been tested before one still hopes. The mere fact that one can look you dead in the eyes and lie just amazes me, the final deceit was about to come and one I am sure he has not even come to terms with as like most issues that have arisen in his life he runs ~ It is easier to leave carnage then to have to deal with it.. The mere fact of inviting someone to live in someone's elses home simply amazes me~ that is my violation, the rest well we will get through that easy enough . His compartments are crumbling like a ill-stacked deck of cards, I watch from afar to some degree humored of course, defeated no. He ran, more than a few need to understand that. The bed remains unslept in as I have not made it that far yet that hurdle for me will take some time that is the final violation that any woman could ever bare.
Maybe it is the pending holidays, a funny "anniversary" of sorts that would be tomorrow or the simple promise that this would be a special year with a entirely new beginning. Memories stream as I hear in the back of my mind the promises that were made and for not. The tenderness that I once knew is not there or is it? Oh I can see the eyes now just put them back in your heads ~I wish closure I am that kinda chic that needs to know, yes that is me the thousand question girl, he always said I asked to many! Well my father used to say if you don't know then ask so to me no question is off limits ~ Will I ever know? I don't think he can man-up, he cut off communication when he saw that the shit was about to hit the fan. Oh boy did the shit hit and it hit hard~ Run Forrest Run!
Funny just the other night I woke up to the smell of a cigarette ruminating from the office. I actually got up as it stirred me to that extent, yet he was not sitting in the chair in front of the computer with parts illuminating the screen, I would crawl into the other office chair where we would embark on the best brainstorming sessions ever! Possibly it was not even him as this house creaks and moans with smells of those whom have shared my life ~ I speak to them daily asking for a sign not knowing whom it would be of course. ....
Some may say I am bitter, trust me far from that, I am disappointed in the man that I fell head over heels in love with many years ago. We have changed, I don't even know him anymore to be honest maybe I actually never did, his sense of reality stymies even me. You see he became my co-dependant on some levels. I never wished to have a "yes" man I have to a degree learned why he did it, but maybe just possibly I wished him not to say "yes". Just once say no create the banter we used to have would I have gotten upset? Probably not, would I get over it ? Oh hell to the yes ~
Hard frigging lesson to learn when you love someone so completely and you have that trust even though it had been tested before one still hopes. The mere fact that one can look you dead in the eyes and lie just amazes me, the final deceit was about to come and one I am sure he has not even come to terms with as like most issues that have arisen in his life he runs ~ It is easier to leave carnage then to have to deal with it.. The mere fact of inviting someone to live in someone's elses home simply amazes me~ that is my violation, the rest well we will get through that easy enough . His compartments are crumbling like a ill-stacked deck of cards, I watch from afar to some degree humored of course, defeated no. He ran, more than a few need to understand that. The bed remains unslept in as I have not made it that far yet that hurdle for me will take some time that is the final violation that any woman could ever bare.
Maybe it is the pending holidays, a funny "anniversary" of sorts that would be tomorrow or the simple promise that this would be a special year with a entirely new beginning. Memories stream as I hear in the back of my mind the promises that were made and for not. The tenderness that I once knew is not there or is it? Oh I can see the eyes now just put them back in your heads ~I wish closure I am that kinda chic that needs to know, yes that is me the thousand question girl, he always said I asked to many! Well my father used to say if you don't know then ask so to me no question is off limits ~ Will I ever know? I don't think he can man-up, he cut off communication when he saw that the shit was about to hit the fan. Oh boy did the shit hit and it hit hard~ Run Forrest Run!
Funny just the other night I woke up to the smell of a cigarette ruminating from the office. I actually got up as it stirred me to that extent, yet he was not sitting in the chair in front of the computer with parts illuminating the screen, I would crawl into the other office chair where we would embark on the best brainstorming sessions ever! Possibly it was not even him as this house creaks and moans with smells of those whom have shared my life ~ I speak to them daily asking for a sign not knowing whom it would be of course. ....
Monday, October 11, 2010
Oh my !!
I was doing so well having no contact with him, the days seemed to go by endlessly even though in the back of my mind I knew I was not getting the closure I needed. Mail has been received which breaks my heart, not for me but for him. I am not the bad guy here yet at times I feel like I am and why I cannot answer that either. I like life, I have fun with life and with those whom I have around me. I have been fortunate to be afforded certain things and are they of value ? NO!! Not to me just fun items I have found along my way. Life is to be enjoyed and besides if you can't have a laugh at yourself then whom can you laugh at?
My issue is that there is no apology of what took place in my home, the total violation of ones being, the lose of items that were given to me and yes that betrayal. To this day I sleep on the sofa and that door remains closed. I can't go in as when I do it punches me in the stomach to think of what took place in my bedroom. To even imagine someone coming into my home, my sanctuary and "pretending" it is theirs. To change the address to mine, to assume you are me which of course you cannot nor ever will be. To go through my belongings to take them as if they are yours as well is just so totally vial. Yet they are fine with that , to play "pretend house" to actually believe that is O.K.? The total denial of not owning what one did is a mystery to me. There is so much to be returned that I wonder when this will end.
Today I did something out of character and I have no reason why, I was sitting at my desk and for some reason hit his phone number and texted him in my way to say a simple "Hi" then my pet name for him. It was only two very simple words to be honest. My phone dropped when it went through, I was shocked even stunned as I saw the "d" meaning that it was delivered come up . The wounds reopened immediately, the mere thought that there could be an adult conversation was thrilling to me but then the phone rang the ring tone that I had given to him and I froze not knowing what to say besides Hello... I did and the voice on the other end was not his, it was someone whom again was violating a space. ~ to which I began to laugh as I never intruded in his private space that is called TRUST. Of which I can see there is none there which even makes me laugh even harder.
TRUST, what a powerful word and to think I trusted this man with my life, the lies the deceit are overwhelming at best. My thoughts however still remain, what type of person does this and how can they look at themselves in the mirror on a daily basis? I am really stuck here at this point and as far as I thought I had come I guess I have not .............
My issue is that there is no apology of what took place in my home, the total violation of ones being, the lose of items that were given to me and yes that betrayal. To this day I sleep on the sofa and that door remains closed. I can't go in as when I do it punches me in the stomach to think of what took place in my bedroom. To even imagine someone coming into my home, my sanctuary and "pretending" it is theirs. To change the address to mine, to assume you are me which of course you cannot nor ever will be. To go through my belongings to take them as if they are yours as well is just so totally vial. Yet they are fine with that , to play "pretend house" to actually believe that is O.K.? The total denial of not owning what one did is a mystery to me. There is so much to be returned that I wonder when this will end.
Today I did something out of character and I have no reason why, I was sitting at my desk and for some reason hit his phone number and texted him in my way to say a simple "Hi" then my pet name for him. It was only two very simple words to be honest. My phone dropped when it went through, I was shocked even stunned as I saw the "d" meaning that it was delivered come up . The wounds reopened immediately, the mere thought that there could be an adult conversation was thrilling to me but then the phone rang the ring tone that I had given to him and I froze not knowing what to say besides Hello... I did and the voice on the other end was not his, it was someone whom again was violating a space. ~ to which I began to laugh as I never intruded in his private space that is called TRUST. Of which I can see there is none there which even makes me laugh even harder.
TRUST, what a powerful word and to think I trusted this man with my life, the lies the deceit are overwhelming at best. My thoughts however still remain, what type of person does this and how can they look at themselves in the mirror on a daily basis? I am really stuck here at this point and as far as I thought I had come I guess I have not .............
Monday, September 27, 2010
Silence
It has been awhile since I have written my blog, I write little notes to myself everyday on what has transpired or actually what has not Silence,odd as that word is one I relish most days while on other days I have come to loath it. It is not my choice mind you , it was created a little bit at a time over the course of few month's. First came the phone back in July as I waited to be picked up only to find out that no not today for this event that I had helped to plan. The answer ? 'I thought you didn't want to go ". The kick in the butt was when I called to confirm an order and was informed"oh yes Sarah was just here" no she was not I am on the phone. My identity had now become in jeopardy to an extent. The film fax was only the first of many clues ....on just how it would eventually take hold of my life. The lie had spun outof control , the month's of deceit . I was now alone trying to navigate a place I had not called home in a few month's. I was getting acclimated to my own surroundings but they were not mine anymore. They had been rearranged, packed even taken. To what level this I will never know and how much complicity is up for grabs as well.
he facts, the whys and the why nots in life. I ask a thousand questions, the last retort I wish to hear is that "I was lonely" or "you left me" So the lie was complete, the stage was set and the character actors took their positions but the closing scene took a very large piece of me. I want to know it all, the good the bad and the ugly and have to for me to go on. In many ways I have, each day that passes it does get easier.I am however left with items that trigger memories that leave me frozen in my place. To be honest,haven't slept in my bedroom for over a month and that door remains closed only to wonder when I will allow myself to go back. I can't it hurts to much to know, that a portion of my life was lived by someone else who came in and destroyed what was once treasured. To know how they masterminded the entire process is just amazing to me. What resonates in my head is the statement"I am happy" what does "happy" mean? To think that a person can shutdown so completely how do you give yourself to another? You can't as this chapter is far from closed.
Does it excite me to think that another person is not comfortable in their place? Of course I would be lying if I thought otherwise, they wiggle like a worm freshly minted on the end of a fishing hook. To delude ones self to actually think that this could be a competition is even more astounding My cards have been dealt ......
The last time was unannounced,I walked through my kitchen and watched him meander up the walk to the house. I froze, thoughts racing what should I do, this man who totally took my life threw it to the wind like a bird taking flight had indeed done it again. The look was foreign to me the emptiness of ones soul so devoid of any emotion took me by surprise. We spoke for the first time in over a month, I don't know if he understood the pain that the depth of his actions took as I could not understand the pain I had inflicted unknowingly on him. He never opened up until this day and even that was guarded. I opened the box and realized that each of us has a place in his life a compartment to be exact so one ever crosses over into the other one until now. He was afraid for the first time in his life and now I held that key. Silence has taken over once again..............
he facts, the whys and the why nots in life. I ask a thousand questions, the last retort I wish to hear is that "I was lonely" or "you left me" So the lie was complete, the stage was set and the character actors took their positions but the closing scene took a very large piece of me. I want to know it all, the good the bad and the ugly and have to for me to go on. In many ways I have, each day that passes it does get easier.I am however left with items that trigger memories that leave me frozen in my place. To be honest,haven't slept in my bedroom for over a month and that door remains closed only to wonder when I will allow myself to go back. I can't it hurts to much to know, that a portion of my life was lived by someone else who came in and destroyed what was once treasured. To know how they masterminded the entire process is just amazing to me. What resonates in my head is the statement"I am happy" what does "happy" mean? To think that a person can shutdown so completely how do you give yourself to another? You can't as this chapter is far from closed.
Does it excite me to think that another person is not comfortable in their place? Of course I would be lying if I thought otherwise, they wiggle like a worm freshly minted on the end of a fishing hook. To delude ones self to actually think that this could be a competition is even more astounding My cards have been dealt ......
The last time was unannounced,I walked through my kitchen and watched him meander up the walk to the house. I froze, thoughts racing what should I do, this man who totally took my life threw it to the wind like a bird taking flight had indeed done it again. The look was foreign to me the emptiness of ones soul so devoid of any emotion took me by surprise. We spoke for the first time in over a month, I don't know if he understood the pain that the depth of his actions took as I could not understand the pain I had inflicted unknowingly on him. He never opened up until this day and even that was guarded. I opened the box and realized that each of us has a place in his life a compartment to be exact so one ever crosses over into the other one until now. He was afraid for the first time in his life and now I held that key. Silence has taken over once again..............
Monday, September 13, 2010
Silence
It echos in my ears daily the noncommunciation is more than I can stand at times and I wonder why? The last time we spoke I had the pleasure of hearing the comment that will stay with me forever, "I think we are calling it quits" is this another trial run? To me that is like being almost pregnant how can one be that emotionally devoid as to not face what was created soley not by me. Not dealing with it emotionally is more to the case as I was told in the car before the gentle squeeze of the hand that showed me he still does care, the kiss he so gently gave and lingers on my lips to this day. How can one just go through life and leave such carnage? I am baffled by such lack of integrity as I walk the line every day and wonder what actually transpired in the house while I was not here. This is no longer mine, the treasure I once relished has been destroyed.
I open drawers, go through closets wondering if indeed was this gone through? The quest leads me down paths as I attempt to locate precious pieces that are no longer here. How can one be so callous? Granted they are material objects but they were given to me by him, it is the principal. My days are easier but the silence, the non-responsive attitude is what cuts deep to my inner core. The closeness, the secrets I once shared have been shattered like glass. Looking into the past I see the chess players and how they have been manipulated to fit into compartments so indeed no one got hurt, that did not happen this time. The lies, deceit, broken promises are all to painful as I begin to heal. My journey has begun, I can't live in the past.
The mantra of those close to me ask "would you take him back?" I stop dead in my tracks, tears well up in my eyes as the pain wafts over me once again. I grow silent and then stutter my answer as this is the hardest, of course not the man he has become or actually he always was? Hiding behind himself not really facing those demons that have laid dormant deep inside wounds that have never been given a chance to heal over the years prior to even me. I never wanted a "yes " man and that is what he became. The man that I had come to know had taken a painful detour. He protected me in everyway he possibly could, I leaned on him without even realizing what I was doing and there was not one person stopping me not even him. That alone is one that I have to struggle with daily as I cannot take that pain away, but I can lessen it by forgiveness.
Pandora's Box I used to say in our private moments to which brought a giggle and a twinkle of those hazel eyes as he knew just what I had spoken of. I wanted to be the one whom opened this box, the box he kept so closed up so protected that I do not believe he can even begin to open it or let anyone else in. My connection will never leave as it runs deep to the inner core that I do know and that will never be taken away by anyone in our lifetime....
I open drawers, go through closets wondering if indeed was this gone through? The quest leads me down paths as I attempt to locate precious pieces that are no longer here. How can one be so callous? Granted they are material objects but they were given to me by him, it is the principal. My days are easier but the silence, the non-responsive attitude is what cuts deep to my inner core. The closeness, the secrets I once shared have been shattered like glass. Looking into the past I see the chess players and how they have been manipulated to fit into compartments so indeed no one got hurt, that did not happen this time. The lies, deceit, broken promises are all to painful as I begin to heal. My journey has begun, I can't live in the past.
The mantra of those close to me ask "would you take him back?" I stop dead in my tracks, tears well up in my eyes as the pain wafts over me once again. I grow silent and then stutter my answer as this is the hardest, of course not the man he has become or actually he always was? Hiding behind himself not really facing those demons that have laid dormant deep inside wounds that have never been given a chance to heal over the years prior to even me. I never wanted a "yes " man and that is what he became. The man that I had come to know had taken a painful detour. He protected me in everyway he possibly could, I leaned on him without even realizing what I was doing and there was not one person stopping me not even him. That alone is one that I have to struggle with daily as I cannot take that pain away, but I can lessen it by forgiveness.
Pandora's Box I used to say in our private moments to which brought a giggle and a twinkle of those hazel eyes as he knew just what I had spoken of. I wanted to be the one whom opened this box, the box he kept so closed up so protected that I do not believe he can even begin to open it or let anyone else in. My connection will never leave as it runs deep to the inner core that I do know and that will never be taken away by anyone in our lifetime....
Monday, August 23, 2010
CALIENTE'
The days get a bit easier as I take care of the collateral damage that has been done. Still amazed at the level of unresponsiveness, it is not shown when we are face to face. The nonexistent emotion, the blank face that sat across from me not to long ago is one that I have never seen. A glimmer of sorrow ran down his face as he knows the level of pain he created. The man can be cunning, he has run from so much over the course of his life he left shallow graves. They lie empty, to some degree the only thing in them are the feelings that were left behind. I don't know this man anymore, this is not the man who walked by my side, held my hand and caressed me for hours on end when I lost my mother. The level of pain is deep and widens every day as does the distance. I should consider myself lucky as the man I knew will never be there for anyone as completely as he was for me. That I do know, that no one will ever have him the way I did and probably still do. Odd is it not? The webs we weave in our lives are such an intricate pattern until they cross.
The raw pain hangs like dew on the morning leaves. The droplets linger there until the sun washes them away only to reappear the next morning. So this cycle continues, much like a faceted gemstone. Each side showing a different sparkle in the way our lives will always be interconnected. Is this a way back into my life? After the game gets played out again and the thrill is no longer there anymore, or as he put it a "fatal attraction". I have seen this before but now never again will I allow myself to be so exposed. The violation is to deep and scar will remain in my heart forever.
Caliente' a song that will forever burn in my heart, we listened to it everynight a 7 p.m., no matter where we were we knew, it was our song. If I heard it during the daytime hours I would just stop and remember when it became ours.
The night was magical in every sense of the word. The tenderness, the long kisses and raw intimacy we shared was incredible under the full moon . There is not a single person on this earth whom will ever share that with him and that I do know.......
The raw pain hangs like dew on the morning leaves. The droplets linger there until the sun washes them away only to reappear the next morning. So this cycle continues, much like a faceted gemstone. Each side showing a different sparkle in the way our lives will always be interconnected. Is this a way back into my life? After the game gets played out again and the thrill is no longer there anymore, or as he put it a "fatal attraction". I have seen this before but now never again will I allow myself to be so exposed. The violation is to deep and scar will remain in my heart forever.
Caliente' a song that will forever burn in my heart, we listened to it everynight a 7 p.m., no matter where we were we knew, it was our song. If I heard it during the daytime hours I would just stop and remember when it became ours.
The night was magical in every sense of the word. The tenderness, the long kisses and raw intimacy we shared was incredible under the full moon . There is not a single person on this earth whom will ever share that with him and that I do know.......
Friday, August 13, 2010
A Defining Moment ~~
The calls started to come in around 10:00 that morning, the day and time a total mystery to me now as I write of a day that I will certainly never forget. It is blazoned in my mind like yesterday, it was a warm spring day I do remember that, but my life was about to begin a very new chapter, again.
It was Gary, coherent one minute, incoherent the next, the calls totaled 4 in all as I knew that something was amiss. First I had to call an ambulance then secure my store and get to him. I arrived right behind the ambulance crew, I watched helplessly as they took him out on a stretcher,not knowing what was going on or how could I help. The hospital, a sea of personnel bombarding me with questions that I could not answer at the time. All I remember now was him monitored and helpless, lying on a gurney with no reaction at all. This was my defining moment. Gary had been going through a stroke as I later came to find out and my day was a wash of paperwork,doctors and a lonely waiting room. Gary was only 38 years of age. How could this be happening, I furiously made phone calls to my mom, his sister and his parents whom were not in town at the time. I was to go this mission alone today.
The stroke was severe and brought total devastation to a man whom had been so full of life only days prior. Gary lay in acoma for days while I decided with the guidance of doctors what the next game plan was to be if there was to even be a game plan at this point. I sat with him day in and day out, talking to him, reading, holding his hands and praying. My days were just that days, that turned into weeks that turned into month's as I was now thrown full force into a system that had no idea of how to handle a young adult. I was overwhelmed by it all and took it in stride. At the advice of one of his doctor's whom I still see today we had a feeding tube inserted, the reasoning behind that at that time was with hope that the nutrition would juggle the brain and bring him back to the world hopefully as he once knew it. I was now "in the health care system", fighting for a life that had no voice except for mine. Each day brought a new battle, some I won, some I did not but I learned and soaked up all the information I could possibly get.
My support system was strong and he weathered it with me day in and day out. I received a phone call each morning and each night, just to see how I was and what the next move would be. I treasured those calls and the coffee dates we had made,he was my rock, this tender yet cunning man was now so ingrained in my life it was second nature for me to call him. He would stop by my store or the house, I would find cards or a message posted on my back door that simply stated,"Thinking of You". After a hard day that always brought a smile to my face as my battle had only just begun, this was the tip of the iceberg as I was about to plunge even deeper into an abyss that would rock my foundation even more..................
It was Gary, coherent one minute, incoherent the next, the calls totaled 4 in all as I knew that something was amiss. First I had to call an ambulance then secure my store and get to him. I arrived right behind the ambulance crew, I watched helplessly as they took him out on a stretcher,not knowing what was going on or how could I help. The hospital, a sea of personnel bombarding me with questions that I could not answer at the time. All I remember now was him monitored and helpless, lying on a gurney with no reaction at all. This was my defining moment. Gary had been going through a stroke as I later came to find out and my day was a wash of paperwork,doctors and a lonely waiting room. Gary was only 38 years of age. How could this be happening, I furiously made phone calls to my mom, his sister and his parents whom were not in town at the time. I was to go this mission alone today.
The stroke was severe and brought total devastation to a man whom had been so full of life only days prior. Gary lay in acoma for days while I decided with the guidance of doctors what the next game plan was to be if there was to even be a game plan at this point. I sat with him day in and day out, talking to him, reading, holding his hands and praying. My days were just that days, that turned into weeks that turned into month's as I was now thrown full force into a system that had no idea of how to handle a young adult. I was overwhelmed by it all and took it in stride. At the advice of one of his doctor's whom I still see today we had a feeding tube inserted, the reasoning behind that at that time was with hope that the nutrition would juggle the brain and bring him back to the world hopefully as he once knew it. I was now "in the health care system", fighting for a life that had no voice except for mine. Each day brought a new battle, some I won, some I did not but I learned and soaked up all the information I could possibly get.
My support system was strong and he weathered it with me day in and day out. I received a phone call each morning and each night, just to see how I was and what the next move would be. I treasured those calls and the coffee dates we had made,he was my rock, this tender yet cunning man was now so ingrained in my life it was second nature for me to call him. He would stop by my store or the house, I would find cards or a message posted on my back door that simply stated,"Thinking of You". After a hard day that always brought a smile to my face as my battle had only just begun, this was the tip of the iceberg as I was about to plunge even deeper into an abyss that would rock my foundation even more..................
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Bear~~
I sat on the hill in the early morning hours,looking over at the mountain range and thought of my grandfather, what he would say to me . One can only imagine and I can't apologize to him as that is not for me to do at all. I sat and spoke with him in the cool morning breezes with the sun at my back and cried. Cried like I never have before and likely never will again, it was raw and deep. Looking up into that mountain range in front of me I could see his face looking down. One can only imagine what he was trying to convey as today was to be like no other I will ever have again in my life.
Bear~ the nickname has a funny story to it as does mine they go hand in hand ~ he is a bear, not to big, cuddly yet so tender and venerable, that is what makes it so hard on many levels. To witness that and see a person so torn up inside to the point that I can't touch the pain, it devastates me for I played that hand. A shimmering glimpse of the warmness came through if only for a moment, it eased my soul The pain fiercely immense for myself, resembles death of which I have experienced so many times that I have come to understand it. Personally, I would have rather been raped, allowing me to face it then only to be whisked away, but that will not happen. Strangely unique metaphor but a true one for me at least, one that you will come to understand..
Over the years it became customary to acquire a bear, whether a holiday, cherished moment or just because it was always my highlight. Which moment in time will he remember and surprise me, whether big or small they all tell a story ~ I treasure each one of them as they continue the memories that bring a smile or simple grin to myself as these are our memories, ones that no one can ruin or taint. My favorite bear? The Tuxedo bear, he sits with me now as I remember as if it was yesterday....... the evening was a gift, a promise kept of a Red Dress and a Man in a Tuxedo.......with a Rose ............
Bear~ the nickname has a funny story to it as does mine they go hand in hand ~ he is a bear, not to big, cuddly yet so tender and venerable, that is what makes it so hard on many levels. To witness that and see a person so torn up inside to the point that I can't touch the pain, it devastates me for I played that hand. A shimmering glimpse of the warmness came through if only for a moment, it eased my soul The pain fiercely immense for myself, resembles death of which I have experienced so many times that I have come to understand it. Personally, I would have rather been raped, allowing me to face it then only to be whisked away, but that will not happen. Strangely unique metaphor but a true one for me at least, one that you will come to understand..
Over the years it became customary to acquire a bear, whether a holiday, cherished moment or just because it was always my highlight. Which moment in time will he remember and surprise me, whether big or small they all tell a story ~ I treasure each one of them as they continue the memories that bring a smile or simple grin to myself as these are our memories, ones that no one can ruin or taint. My favorite bear? The Tuxedo bear, he sits with me now as I remember as if it was yesterday....... the evening was a gift, a promise kept of a Red Dress and a Man in a Tuxedo.......with a Rose ............
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
HOUDINI?
I find the early morning hours to be the hardest for me. My schedule is so regimented that to even have the slightest upset sets my world upside down. I awake at 3:00 a.m. make coffee, hit the computer to send out emails and follow up on others,then get ready to train or get myself set to do a round of cardio depending on the day of the week. However there is a piece missing ...........
How does one disappear from one's life in the matter of hours, days even weeks? To walk away to some degree while not thoroughly looking at the carnage one has left behind, but has he actually left it behind? That is my question that burns in the back of my mind every second of every day, try as I might to push it down and out of my head. The clothes are here, mail still arrives daily, the family pictures of his children and grandchildren line the walls and of course the scent of him lingers on. Silly, I sleep in his shirts and place my head on a stuffed bear that was given to me. In some ways it helps me even if for only a few hours of the night.
I wonder at times if he has driven by to "scope" out the house and see when the time may be right to stop by and pick up whatever he can, thinking all along that someone may not be here. Each night after letting the dog out I look and say, "Sleep with the Angels" why? That I cannot answer, some may call me crazy but to be hateful and vindictive is just not my style! FLAMETHROWER? Trust me that did cross my mind as I laugh at this very moment just thinking about the self-satisfaction I would get by burning everything in site . In the end that is way to much work and takes me away from my passion, my life and what I do best . Oh granted, there are many unanswered questions and I may never get those answers. Try as I might, the hold is still here on many levels and that also fascinates me, along with the confusion.................... The fat lady has not sung her song and my story continues .....and this is only a snippet of what is to come
How does one disappear from one's life in the matter of hours, days even weeks? To walk away to some degree while not thoroughly looking at the carnage one has left behind, but has he actually left it behind? That is my question that burns in the back of my mind every second of every day, try as I might to push it down and out of my head. The clothes are here, mail still arrives daily, the family pictures of his children and grandchildren line the walls and of course the scent of him lingers on. Silly, I sleep in his shirts and place my head on a stuffed bear that was given to me. In some ways it helps me even if for only a few hours of the night.
I wonder at times if he has driven by to "scope" out the house and see when the time may be right to stop by and pick up whatever he can, thinking all along that someone may not be here. Each night after letting the dog out I look and say, "Sleep with the Angels" why? That I cannot answer, some may call me crazy but to be hateful and vindictive is just not my style! FLAMETHROWER? Trust me that did cross my mind as I laugh at this very moment just thinking about the self-satisfaction I would get by burning everything in site . In the end that is way to much work and takes me away from my passion, my life and what I do best . Oh granted, there are many unanswered questions and I may never get those answers. Try as I might, the hold is still here on many levels and that also fascinates me, along with the confusion.................... The fat lady has not sung her song and my story continues .....and this is only a snippet of what is to come
Monday, July 26, 2010
ReWind!
We tend to gravitate towards our fathers so I have been told and in a way that person was dead on. My spousal equivalent is like my father to a degree. So that is why I am rewinding this so you have a better knowledge of myself and my family.
I was raised in an upper middle class family in Delaware County, I have an older brother, Jay or John Edward whom has since passed . My mother had her own career and my father was a self -made man in the Navy, I am a Captain's daughter. If I wanted it I got it no questions asked .
I could do no wrong in his eyes, the pretty blond with blue eyes with the name of Sarah Beth. He coddled me when he was home and sent gifts from afar when he was not. I relished the moments I danced on his feet as a child to Friday's with Frank Sinatra . They were special times, and ones that I will never forget. In our household my mother's parents also lived with us, the house was large enough to accomandate them. My grandfather on the maternal side was a retired Lt. Commander in the Army , my grandmother a socialite. They hailed from Boston as I summered every year on the Cape. I was a latch-key kid before it was cool! I came home most days as a child to them and if they were traveling then I went to a girlfriends house until mom could pick me up. It was a dream childhood but now that I look back, one with an undertone. One that I would eventually find out about as I grew older. That is my paternal side,you see as I have not even touched on that yet. But all in all my life was good! Hey I was a kid what did I know! I had the best of all worlds here ~ traveled with my parents and grandparents when Jay and I could and then headed up to where I live now to stay there for a week or two. Let me tell you I disliked it intensely my Pop-Pop was my salvation .. Which is so for another day on how I got here and why I stayed ~ Now it is time for me to go and continue on my path elsewhere .
Growing up was superb by every stretch of the imagination a child could have. We had the family life, Sunday dinners, watching gladiator movies on a local station out of Philadelphia Channel 48 with Bernie Herman and CBS Sports with Jim McKay. We were members of the Pennsylvania Ballet, the Philadelphia Orchestra , lunches and fashion shows at what is now WHOLEFOODS in Wynnwood but used to be called Stouffers. Shopping at Lord and Taylor in Bala Cynwyd and then High Tea at the Birdcage at 3:00 p.m. and yes I wore white gloves ! I went to a public elementary school and hung out with my friends after school. No real bells and whistles here . I went on to Charles E Ellis School for Girls then Harcum Junior College only to wrap up my educational years at Philadelphia College of Textiles and Science .We were a family but being ten years younger than my brother what did I know ~ I was protected in everyway possible . As I grew up I knew that something was amiss , the pieces where just not fitting to a degree . Then it came crashing down I think, my mind is fuzzy here but I remember the players well like yesterday it was when I was 16 years old.
My paternal grandparents are from a very small town located in Berks County, Hamburg, one that faces at this time economic strife of all proportions to be honest. I called it Dutchland and remember the dialect well, it is very rare that you hear "dutchy" being spoken . My grandfather was my bud, you see my maternal grandparents died when I was younger so Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom were all I had at the time . I loved Pop-Pop he was my rock and stood by a woman whom he would never have children by nor was he allowed to adopt my father. TWIST ! Yes, indeed my father was born out of wedlock so really my name should be Sarah Doheny Fisher. I did mention that one day and got blown out of my seat and my grandmother told me that she would disown me if I added the Fisher name . WOW who does that . I gave the woman credit for having a child at that time, 1927 in a small town where indeed her name dates back to the Civil War and the entire family on that side is buried here in the hills. To raise a child before it was "cool" on your own and to just survive here and be judged by other women . Maybe that was why we never got along to a certain degree, she was bitter and most know her as head strong but not outgoing at all . Allow me to say this, most who knew said she was "different" yes indeed Elsie was . I am related to the Tea Pot Dome Scandal during the Harding adminsitration. The other Doheny's path's and I would cross later inlife. Pop-Pop met Elsie one night when he was on leave, he had a date but the father of his date answered the door saw his uniform and slammed it! So as the story goes, him and his buddy made their way to the Field House that night in Hamburg and yes they met and married sometime later. Those details and even a marriage license are sketchy to be honest . They celebrated over 50 years of marriage together. God bless him!
Pop-Pop afforded her a life that she never possibly would have had, he was a Chief in the Navy, after that he became a Post Man here and then resigned back into the Navy. When he came home he started what became Windsor Forge Pewter and Brass and to be honest became a household name as well as a gifted craftsman. I as a child went to the shows we were invited to as his name preceeded him as did he self-taught craft. I dressed in Colonial costume and poured pewter spoons. My father helped Pop-Pop with the pounding of Betty lamps ( this is how they lite there homes in Colonial times) and the other fabulous pieces he created out of REAL pewter. He became a part of the local culture here and still to do this day is remembered by many fondly. I also found recently that he had a bicycle repair shop for .25c you could rent a bike! I still have his bike as a matter of fact. I also still have the shop, forge and foundry. Every day I walk out I say Hi! to him, I picture him in his chair working on something for someone or just a new piece of work that he created, he was always doing something and the shop was our sanctuary.................................
I was raised in an upper middle class family in Delaware County, I have an older brother, Jay or John Edward whom has since passed . My mother had her own career and my father was a self -made man in the Navy, I am a Captain's daughter. If I wanted it I got it no questions asked .
I could do no wrong in his eyes, the pretty blond with blue eyes with the name of Sarah Beth. He coddled me when he was home and sent gifts from afar when he was not. I relished the moments I danced on his feet as a child to Friday's with Frank Sinatra . They were special times, and ones that I will never forget. In our household my mother's parents also lived with us, the house was large enough to accomandate them. My grandfather on the maternal side was a retired Lt. Commander in the Army , my grandmother a socialite. They hailed from Boston as I summered every year on the Cape. I was a latch-key kid before it was cool! I came home most days as a child to them and if they were traveling then I went to a girlfriends house until mom could pick me up. It was a dream childhood but now that I look back, one with an undertone. One that I would eventually find out about as I grew older. That is my paternal side,you see as I have not even touched on that yet. But all in all my life was good! Hey I was a kid what did I know! I had the best of all worlds here ~ traveled with my parents and grandparents when Jay and I could and then headed up to where I live now to stay there for a week or two. Let me tell you I disliked it intensely my Pop-Pop was my salvation .. Which is so for another day on how I got here and why I stayed ~ Now it is time for me to go and continue on my path elsewhere .
Growing up was superb by every stretch of the imagination a child could have. We had the family life, Sunday dinners, watching gladiator movies on a local station out of Philadelphia Channel 48 with Bernie Herman and CBS Sports with Jim McKay. We were members of the Pennsylvania Ballet, the Philadelphia Orchestra , lunches and fashion shows at what is now WHOLEFOODS in Wynnwood but used to be called Stouffers. Shopping at Lord and Taylor in Bala Cynwyd and then High Tea at the Birdcage at 3:00 p.m. and yes I wore white gloves ! I went to a public elementary school and hung out with my friends after school. No real bells and whistles here . I went on to Charles E Ellis School for Girls then Harcum Junior College only to wrap up my educational years at Philadelphia College of Textiles and Science .We were a family but being ten years younger than my brother what did I know ~ I was protected in everyway possible . As I grew up I knew that something was amiss , the pieces where just not fitting to a degree . Then it came crashing down I think, my mind is fuzzy here but I remember the players well like yesterday it was when I was 16 years old.
My paternal grandparents are from a very small town located in Berks County, Hamburg, one that faces at this time economic strife of all proportions to be honest. I called it Dutchland and remember the dialect well, it is very rare that you hear "dutchy" being spoken . My grandfather was my bud, you see my maternal grandparents died when I was younger so Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom were all I had at the time . I loved Pop-Pop he was my rock and stood by a woman whom he would never have children by nor was he allowed to adopt my father. TWIST ! Yes, indeed my father was born out of wedlock so really my name should be Sarah Doheny Fisher. I did mention that one day and got blown out of my seat and my grandmother told me that she would disown me if I added the Fisher name . WOW who does that . I gave the woman credit for having a child at that time, 1927 in a small town where indeed her name dates back to the Civil War and the entire family on that side is buried here in the hills. To raise a child before it was "cool" on your own and to just survive here and be judged by other women . Maybe that was why we never got along to a certain degree, she was bitter and most know her as head strong but not outgoing at all . Allow me to say this, most who knew said she was "different" yes indeed Elsie was . I am related to the Tea Pot Dome Scandal during the Harding adminsitration. The other Doheny's path's and I would cross later inlife. Pop-Pop met Elsie one night when he was on leave, he had a date but the father of his date answered the door saw his uniform and slammed it! So as the story goes, him and his buddy made their way to the Field House that night in Hamburg and yes they met and married sometime later. Those details and even a marriage license are sketchy to be honest . They celebrated over 50 years of marriage together. God bless him!
Pop-Pop afforded her a life that she never possibly would have had, he was a Chief in the Navy, after that he became a Post Man here and then resigned back into the Navy. When he came home he started what became Windsor Forge Pewter and Brass and to be honest became a household name as well as a gifted craftsman. I as a child went to the shows we were invited to as his name preceeded him as did he self-taught craft. I dressed in Colonial costume and poured pewter spoons. My father helped Pop-Pop with the pounding of Betty lamps ( this is how they lite there homes in Colonial times) and the other fabulous pieces he created out of REAL pewter. He became a part of the local culture here and still to do this day is remembered by many fondly. I also found recently that he had a bicycle repair shop for .25c you could rent a bike! I still have his bike as a matter of fact. I also still have the shop, forge and foundry. Every day I walk out I say Hi! to him, I picture him in his chair working on something for someone or just a new piece of work that he created, he was always doing something and the shop was our sanctuary.................................
Friday, July 23, 2010
I Have A Plan
I remember his words clearly as if they were yesterday, I can't remember the date, the time was after 5 p.m and most likely a weekday. I did not have a car that day and he was giving me a ride home at that time he also lived in Newtown Square. It was right after the Ridley Park exit on I-95 when these words were spoken to me. I just sat and stared at him I had no clue as I looked at this man who had a gentle heart but whom could be cunning. We became fast friends due to trials and tribulations at work as I was his assistant, our backgrounds were both military and to be honest he was very easy to speak to. He was also my boss,and his wife was an acquaintance of mine prior to working for them. Innocent? Oh yes on my part, never entered my mind that in the years to come what would eventually happen over the course of our lives.
Time moved on as we had our own lives and intermingled on holidays and other ocassions. You see my husband was also a friend of his wife from "back in the day" so we were fast friends who hung out when we could. Work was work, play was play we all intermixed beautifully within the enviroment. I truly loved my job at that time, I was new to the industry and he taught me the ropes of the embroidery world. I grew as the company did and thrived there as well. But something was about to change and change us indeed it did forever, well me at least.
It was the Monday after Thanksgiving, the opening day of Hunting Season with a knock at my door at 6 a.m. coffee in hand. All dressed in Camo looking like a lost teddy bear he had said he would stop by. Was I sure he would? Did I really even care? Then if he did well, then what! I started to feel like a teenager in high school. The stomach flips and flops,the tension and the whole uncertainty of what was about to eventually become a fabulous relationship. The gentleness that ensued was one that novels are made of, the caring kindness of this man to me was quite unusual and totally not expected . The conversation flowed effortlessly. We stole time whenever and wherever we could , we had ocassional Saturday lunch dates at a little place we found on 422 in Douglasville, Pa. Awesome friendships grew there as well as we became "regulars" and truly enjoyed everyone's company. The down side was leaving this fantasy fun, some days I did not want it to end! He was safe to me, he became a steady rock in my life where my husband could never enter for whatever reason. He filled my life with something that still to this day I can't describe to anyone. Truly would anyone believe me to begin with? I nicknamed myself, the head TOW~ the other women. I even contemplated a vanity plate! Ok who does that! We even joked about it . I became to know the game, I knew the past and the present of each player. It was my cross to bare and I did soley and totally.......................
Time moved on as we had our own lives and intermingled on holidays and other ocassions. You see my husband was also a friend of his wife from "back in the day" so we were fast friends who hung out when we could. Work was work, play was play we all intermixed beautifully within the enviroment. I truly loved my job at that time, I was new to the industry and he taught me the ropes of the embroidery world. I grew as the company did and thrived there as well. But something was about to change and change us indeed it did forever, well me at least.
It was the Monday after Thanksgiving, the opening day of Hunting Season with a knock at my door at 6 a.m. coffee in hand. All dressed in Camo looking like a lost teddy bear he had said he would stop by. Was I sure he would? Did I really even care? Then if he did well, then what! I started to feel like a teenager in high school. The stomach flips and flops,the tension and the whole uncertainty of what was about to eventually become a fabulous relationship. The gentleness that ensued was one that novels are made of, the caring kindness of this man to me was quite unusual and totally not expected . The conversation flowed effortlessly. We stole time whenever and wherever we could , we had ocassional Saturday lunch dates at a little place we found on 422 in Douglasville, Pa. Awesome friendships grew there as well as we became "regulars" and truly enjoyed everyone's company. The down side was leaving this fantasy fun, some days I did not want it to end! He was safe to me, he became a steady rock in my life where my husband could never enter for whatever reason. He filled my life with something that still to this day I can't describe to anyone. Truly would anyone believe me to begin with? I nicknamed myself, the head TOW~ the other women. I even contemplated a vanity plate! Ok who does that! We even joked about it . I became to know the game, I knew the past and the present of each player. It was my cross to bare and I did soley and totally.......................
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Secrets
First allow me to start by saying I am not a writer by any stretch of the imagination nor do I pretend to be. One would think having a mother whom was an English Major as a parent something would have rubbed off in some type of fashion. To be honest I need to be in the mood. That is when I do my best kick-ass press releases and writings such as this. This is about a journey, my journey and where it leads I do not know. My only goal now is to empower women as I begin a new phase of my life.One that indeed I did not ask for nor was a willing participant to a degree. As my header states Secrets . Am I bitter no, I have no reason to be I am determined not defeated. Does it involve the men in my life yes to a degree and the lessons they have taught me along the way.Most importantly it is about me, some will be surprised as the lesson begins to unfold but one that I do wear proudly. That will be for another day ~~~~~~~
As some of you may know I embarked on a journey one that lead me down a very interesting path, one I will carry with me forever, good or bad. Has it changed me, yes in many ways.That journey has lead me to begin a non-profit for women and to reach out to a new network that I hope will take shape in new and facinating places. Trust and believe I am still mystifyed myself! For now the journey begins when I came home ~ and what I faced that never even entered my mind or realm that one person could do what had been done ~ All in the name of trust a very loose word in my vocabulary at this writing. Do I trust yes and will continue to but with a new vision on that word.
I arrived home on June 20th, no worse for wear but still reeling from the previous month's, looking to reconnect with old friends and business associates. We settled in for the day and just enjoyed the company of one another, the banter, ordering take-out and just being together.We vegged on the sofa and when it was time to sleep I relished the smell of him and just being able to place my head on his shoulder for that night. Of course sex would have been FABO! it is not always about the badda bing badda boom as our relationship had evolved on many levels and layers. Just to be alone with someone means more than the actual act at times.
Little did I know or understand that my life would come crashing down on top of me. After 18 hours of being home, I was alone, yes alone. The man who had stuck by me or the man I thought had been by my side had decided on a different path. Now mind you I am still settling in, getting my feet wet and to be honest I did not even go near the computer! Who does that!
"We have to talk" were the words out of his mouth, not what ones wants to hear, it has the same feeling as the call in the middle of the night or the knock on the door. I knew immediately where he was headed and that was to be the undoing of my life. As the day wore on I was indeed o.k. with the decision as I knew it, he was at his son's house and after a period of separation such as mine it took a toll. I was cool with it all, I asked for was open communciation as I trevailed the passages of mail on the desk and table. Little did I know then it was not to be that way. Secrets,the secrets came out, not by him but by my neighbor in a very innocent conversation. One thing lead to another as I felt my way thru the house knowing in the back of my mind that indeed someone had made a temporary home here while I was gone.
One thing a man should NEVER do is think that we do not know what we have. Getta grip guys trust me we know. Being the proud owner of 400+ pairs of shoes I can inform you of the one pair I am missing. My silver bracelets are my trademark along with my hair, I wear the special pieces I hold close to my heart on my left wrist one was missing, a gift from a client. Then the earrings, the tennis bracelet, the strand of my grandmothers pearls was also gone, only to be brought back by happenstance. My bride had indeed received them as a gift for "something borrowed" not from him but by her, drawers tossed, clothes disheveled and presumably tried on. I was now not only dealing with a passive/aggressive man who was stuck at an emotional level of an 8 year old but someone else. Someone whom had violated my space before. Time wore on as I eagerly went through bills all the while thinking this is just not happening. My accounts were closed, my cell turned off ( I was under the impressionit was suspended ) and I was alone totally alone left to fight a battle I really had no idea how to fight. BITTER? no just amazed at the way someone can turn on the heels and leave 98% of his belonging here but to think that I would not come to find out. Is it the case of another woman? Yes and no I was the "other woman" in a former life but never invaded personal space. Was I aware of this person oh yes, she had made herself known before in a more malicious manner. I am not upset with her by any means she is another pawn, or has he put it so eloquently "she wishes to have your life" YA strip me like last years Versace and wear me! So she got a taste of what it is like to be me ~ the last taste she will ever have.
So my quest begins with the payment of bills that are not in my name and are past due, the checks that were written and bounced and the fact I have zero funds to pay them! HAHAHA. Before you ask yes, I am fortunate to have "funds" but am not allowed to access them due to the market and how I indeed structured them for OUR future.I sit scared,alone,determined and in many ways in awe of this man. That is what freaks everyone out, well those whom know ~ why awe? It is facinating to me, how one can place themself in a self imposed prison. She will not be the growing old with me woman trust me~just not his style ~
I am not bitter at all, no no no I have no reason to be I have emerged the victor no matter how many years we were together. I am stronger today ( maybe) then I have ever been. Do I need him? To a degree yes, and he knows that right now one that we agreed upon mutually and that will come about later as this story is only the beginning not the end of an empowered woman............
As some of you may know I embarked on a journey one that lead me down a very interesting path, one I will carry with me forever, good or bad. Has it changed me, yes in many ways.That journey has lead me to begin a non-profit for women and to reach out to a new network that I hope will take shape in new and facinating places. Trust and believe I am still mystifyed myself! For now the journey begins when I came home ~ and what I faced that never even entered my mind or realm that one person could do what had been done ~ All in the name of trust a very loose word in my vocabulary at this writing. Do I trust yes and will continue to but with a new vision on that word.
I arrived home on June 20th, no worse for wear but still reeling from the previous month's, looking to reconnect with old friends and business associates. We settled in for the day and just enjoyed the company of one another, the banter, ordering take-out and just being together.We vegged on the sofa and when it was time to sleep I relished the smell of him and just being able to place my head on his shoulder for that night. Of course sex would have been FABO! it is not always about the badda bing badda boom as our relationship had evolved on many levels and layers. Just to be alone with someone means more than the actual act at times.
Little did I know or understand that my life would come crashing down on top of me. After 18 hours of being home, I was alone, yes alone. The man who had stuck by me or the man I thought had been by my side had decided on a different path. Now mind you I am still settling in, getting my feet wet and to be honest I did not even go near the computer! Who does that!
"We have to talk" were the words out of his mouth, not what ones wants to hear, it has the same feeling as the call in the middle of the night or the knock on the door. I knew immediately where he was headed and that was to be the undoing of my life. As the day wore on I was indeed o.k. with the decision as I knew it, he was at his son's house and after a period of separation such as mine it took a toll. I was cool with it all, I asked for was open communciation as I trevailed the passages of mail on the desk and table. Little did I know then it was not to be that way. Secrets,the secrets came out, not by him but by my neighbor in a very innocent conversation. One thing lead to another as I felt my way thru the house knowing in the back of my mind that indeed someone had made a temporary home here while I was gone.
One thing a man should NEVER do is think that we do not know what we have. Getta grip guys trust me we know. Being the proud owner of 400+ pairs of shoes I can inform you of the one pair I am missing. My silver bracelets are my trademark along with my hair, I wear the special pieces I hold close to my heart on my left wrist one was missing, a gift from a client. Then the earrings, the tennis bracelet, the strand of my grandmothers pearls was also gone, only to be brought back by happenstance. My bride had indeed received them as a gift for "something borrowed" not from him but by her, drawers tossed, clothes disheveled and presumably tried on. I was now not only dealing with a passive/aggressive man who was stuck at an emotional level of an 8 year old but someone else. Someone whom had violated my space before. Time wore on as I eagerly went through bills all the while thinking this is just not happening. My accounts were closed, my cell turned off ( I was under the impressionit was suspended ) and I was alone totally alone left to fight a battle I really had no idea how to fight. BITTER? no just amazed at the way someone can turn on the heels and leave 98% of his belonging here but to think that I would not come to find out. Is it the case of another woman? Yes and no I was the "other woman" in a former life but never invaded personal space. Was I aware of this person oh yes, she had made herself known before in a more malicious manner. I am not upset with her by any means she is another pawn, or has he put it so eloquently "she wishes to have your life" YA strip me like last years Versace and wear me! So she got a taste of what it is like to be me ~ the last taste she will ever have.
So my quest begins with the payment of bills that are not in my name and are past due, the checks that were written and bounced and the fact I have zero funds to pay them! HAHAHA. Before you ask yes, I am fortunate to have "funds" but am not allowed to access them due to the market and how I indeed structured them for OUR future.I sit scared,alone,determined and in many ways in awe of this man. That is what freaks everyone out, well those whom know ~ why awe? It is facinating to me, how one can place themself in a self imposed prison. She will not be the growing old with me woman trust me~just not his style ~
I am not bitter at all, no no no I have no reason to be I have emerged the victor no matter how many years we were together. I am stronger today ( maybe) then I have ever been. Do I need him? To a degree yes, and he knows that right now one that we agreed upon mutually and that will come about later as this story is only the beginning not the end of an empowered woman............
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