The Tailspin

I sit here now and gaze at five legal pads full of "book" and wonder just how in the hell this will all play out. The holidays for me have been bittersweet since Christmas Eve of 1989, a day that again altered my life forever. That morning at 2 a.m. brought the news to my family of my brother's death earlier in the night, 11:15 to be exact.

I find humor here, my mother first slammed the door in the State Troopers face and then yelled at me as she thought I had received a ticket. Soon after the phone rang it was Newtown Square Police the friendly voice of Jim asking me to open the door. We gathered in the breakfast room as the news delivered did not make sense at first. My brother was a Jr. and my father had just passed the year prior, but they did not say Jr. Like a bolt of lightning it hit they realized "Jay" was a Jr. and the rest shall we say was a blur of phone calls, funeral homes. and family while trying to get the pieces to this puzzle sifted out as information was not forthcoming .To this very day I am either awake until 11:15 or wake up at 2 a.m. for those few moments and remember. This year has been bittersweet to say the least, so I bundled Jackie O up in her finest embroidered plaid coat and off we went to the cemetery . The night was still and the moon enshrouded in clouds as we sat in the cold and had quite a conversation with them all. I asked for a sign on this morning, little did I know it was to come.

The message appeared on my phone at 9:58 a.m., I froze while wondering if indeed this was some type of cruel joke. There it was in plain sight, now remember I have not had any contact with him in well over five month's which was not my doing. I dropped the phone, battery popping out it slid across the kitchen floor where frantically like a school girl I fumbled, regained composure and finally the phone rebooted. I opened the email it was from him wishing me a Merry Christmas and wondering how I was doing. The words were kind, sweet in true fashion my pet name lead off the email. I melted and thus began the tailspin. The entire bag of mixed emotions washed over me like Niagara Falls as I wondered, do I answer, what do I say and how do I say it so it does not come off wrong all went through my mind at warp factor speed. Captain James T. Kirk would have been astonished and no Scottie to bean me up. I would be lying like a rug if I did not say that I missed him. I was totally blindsided by this nightmare and tossed into quagmire of shit. We have a very deep history as I have explained in prior blogs. That "pookie" got me through some strange ass days in the previous month's.


I answered five different times all to be discarded as I hoped that my email back wouldn't be taken out of context. I inquired about how he was and what was going on and if he was o.k. and was it really him. The later being my first thought that had entered my mind besides why now? I chose not to go down that road, email was not the place for that and I was overjoyed that he reached out. I received a sweet reply that he was hanging in there like I was and that he would be in touch later. LATER is what killed me, would he come by, when would come by, would he call me, yes all of that shit as tears streamed down my face, the little girl in me popped out. So much for hangin tough ~ right? This will be for another day ~

The past month's for me have been one of soul searching as I have discovered many sidelined shall we say qualities about myself through the various people that I have connected with . I have been a guest on ABCNEWSNOW.com and have spoken in the radio blogsphere on many shows. I must own and keep it real as I do in my business world that is how I am true to whom I am and to my clients whom work with me. If one is not true than one cannot be true to others, and I make no promises.

I have learned patience, tolerance, forgiveness and have allowed myself to grieve for those whom I have not over the years. This valuable learning came through a very hard life lesson. Being the only standing member of a family is really bizarre. I had hoped upon my return to express this to him but that was not to be, within 24 hours my world crashed and burned. I cannot take it back, he stood by me every step of the way while giving up part of whom he is, but he allowed that to take place he made that sacrifice on his own. Each of us must atone for our actions, he needs to take ownership for his and find his integrity. My only wish is for me to be able to explain that to him.....and begin the healing and friendship that we have underneath it all

Now where is the damn Rock Salt???