CALIENTE'

The days get a bit easier as I take care of the collateral damage that has been done. Still amazed at the level of unresponsiveness, it is not shown when we are face to face. The nonexistent emotion, the blank face that sat across from me not to long ago is one that I have never seen. A glimmer of sorrow ran down his face as he knows the level of pain he created. The man can be cunning, he has run from so much over the course of his life he left shallow graves. They lie empty, to some degree the only thing in them are the feelings that were left behind. I don't know this man anymore, this is not the man who walked by my side, held my hand and caressed me for hours on end when I lost my mother. The level of pain is deep and widens every day as does the distance. I should consider myself lucky as the man I knew will never be there for anyone as completely as he was for me. That I do know, that no one will ever have him the way I did and probably still do. Odd is it not? The webs we weave in our lives are such an intricate pattern until they cross.

The raw pain hangs like dew on the morning leaves. The droplets linger there until the sun washes them away only to reappear the next morning. So this cycle continues, much like a faceted gemstone. Each side showing a different sparkle in the way our lives will always be interconnected. Is this a way back into my life? After the game gets played out again and the thrill is no longer there anymore, or as he put it a "fatal attraction". I have seen this before but now never again will I allow myself to be so exposed. The violation is to deep and scar will remain in my heart forever.

Caliente' a song that will forever burn in my heart, we listened to it everynight a 7 p.m., no matter where we were we knew, it was our song. If I heard it during the daytime hours I would just stop and remember when it became ours.
The night was magical in every sense of the word. The tenderness, the long kisses and raw intimacy we shared was incredible under the full moon . There is not a single person on this earth whom will ever share that with him and that I do know.......

A Defining Moment ~~

The calls started to come in around 10:00 that morning, the day and time a total mystery to me now as I write of a day that I will certainly never forget. It is blazoned in my mind like yesterday, it was a warm spring day I do remember that, but my life was about to begin a very new chapter, again.
It was Gary, coherent one minute, incoherent the next, the calls totaled 4 in all as I knew that something was amiss. First I had to call an ambulance then secure my store and get to him. I arrived right behind the ambulance crew, I watched helplessly as they took him out on a stretcher,not knowing what was going on or how could I help. The hospital, a sea of personnel bombarding me with questions that I could not answer at the time. All I remember now was him monitored and helpless, lying on a gurney with no reaction at all. This was my defining moment. Gary had been going through a stroke as I later came to find out and my day was a wash of paperwork,doctors and a lonely waiting room. Gary was only 38 years of age. How could this be happening, I furiously made phone calls to my mom, his sister and his parents whom were not in town at the time. I was to go this mission alone today.

The stroke was severe and brought total devastation to a man whom had been so full of life only days prior. Gary lay in acoma for days while I decided with the guidance of doctors what the next game plan was to be if there was to even be a game plan at this point. I sat with him day in and day out, talking to him, reading, holding his hands and praying. My days were just that days, that turned into weeks that turned into month's as I was now thrown full force into a system that had no idea of how to handle a young adult. I was overwhelmed by it all and took it in stride. At the advice of one of his doctor's whom I still see today we had a feeding tube inserted, the reasoning behind that at that time was with hope that the nutrition would juggle the brain and bring him back to the world hopefully as he once knew it. I was now "in the health care system", fighting for a life that had no voice except for mine. Each day brought a new battle, some I won, some I did not but I learned and soaked up all the information I could possibly get.

My support system was strong and he weathered it with me day in and day out. I received a phone call each morning and each night, just to see how I was and what the next move would be. I treasured those calls and the coffee dates we had made,he was my rock, this tender yet cunning man was now so ingrained in my life it was second nature for me to call him. He would stop by my store or the house, I would find cards or a message posted on my back door that simply stated,"Thinking of You". After a hard day that always brought a smile to my face as my battle had only just begun, this was the tip of the iceberg as I was about to plunge even deeper into an abyss that would rock my foundation even more..................

Bear~~

I sat on the hill in the early morning hours,looking over at the mountain range and thought of my grandfather, what he would say to me . One can only imagine and I can't apologize to him as that is not for me to do at all. I sat and spoke with him in the cool morning breezes with the sun at my back and cried. Cried like I never have before and likely never will again, it was raw and deep. Looking up into that mountain range in front of me I could see his face looking down. One can only imagine what he was trying to convey as today was to be like no other I will ever have again in my life.

Bear~ the nickname has a funny story to it as does mine they go hand in hand ~ he is a bear, not to big, cuddly yet so tender and venerable, that is what makes it so hard on many levels. To witness that and see a person so torn up inside to the point that I can't touch the pain, it devastates me for I played that hand. A shimmering glimpse of the warmness came through if only for a moment, it eased my soul The pain fiercely immense for myself, resembles death of which I have experienced so many times that I have come to understand it. Personally, I would have rather been raped, allowing me to face it then only to be whisked away, but that will not happen. Strangely unique metaphor but a true one for me at least, one that you will come to understand..

Over the years it became customary to acquire a bear, whether a holiday, cherished moment or just because it was always my highlight. Which moment in time will he remember and surprise me, whether big or small they all tell a story ~ I treasure each one of them as they continue the memories that bring a smile or simple grin to myself as these are our memories, ones that no one can ruin or taint. My favorite bear? The Tuxedo bear, he sits with me now as I remember as if it was yesterday....... the evening was a gift, a promise kept of a Red Dress and a Man in a Tuxedo.......with a Rose ............