I find the early morning hours to be the hardest for me. My schedule is so regimented that to even have the slightest upset sets my world upside down. I awake at 3:00 a.m. make coffee, hit the computer to send out emails and follow up on others,then get ready to train or get myself set to do a round of cardio depending on the day of the week. However there is a piece missing ...........
How does one disappear from one's life in the matter of hours, days even weeks? To walk away to some degree while not thoroughly looking at the carnage one has left behind, but has he actually left it behind? That is my question that burns in the back of my mind every second of every day, try as I might to push it down and out of my head. The clothes are here, mail still arrives daily, the family pictures of his children and grandchildren line the walls and of course the scent of him lingers on. Silly, I sleep in his shirts and place my head on a stuffed bear that was given to me. In some ways it helps me even if for only a few hours of the night.
I wonder at times if he has driven by to "scope" out the house and see when the time may be right to stop by and pick up whatever he can, thinking all along that someone may not be here. Each night after letting the dog out I look and say, "Sleep with the Angels" why? That I cannot answer, some may call me crazy but to be hateful and vindictive is just not my style! FLAMETHROWER? Trust me that did cross my mind as I laugh at this very moment just thinking about the self-satisfaction I would get by burning everything in site . In the end that is way to much work and takes me away from my passion, my life and what I do best . Oh granted, there are many unanswered questions and I may never get those answers. Try as I might, the hold is still here on many levels and that also fascinates me, along with the confusion.................... The fat lady has not sung her song and my story continues .....and this is only a snippet of what is to come
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
ReWind!
We tend to gravitate towards our fathers so I have been told and in a way that person was dead on. My spousal equivalent is like my father to a degree. So that is why I am rewinding this so you have a better knowledge of myself and my family.
I was raised in an upper middle class family in Delaware County, I have an older brother, Jay or John Edward whom has since passed . My mother had her own career and my father was a self -made man in the Navy, I am a Captain's daughter. If I wanted it I got it no questions asked .
I could do no wrong in his eyes, the pretty blond with blue eyes with the name of Sarah Beth. He coddled me when he was home and sent gifts from afar when he was not. I relished the moments I danced on his feet as a child to Friday's with Frank Sinatra . They were special times, and ones that I will never forget. In our household my mother's parents also lived with us, the house was large enough to accomandate them. My grandfather on the maternal side was a retired Lt. Commander in the Army , my grandmother a socialite. They hailed from Boston as I summered every year on the Cape. I was a latch-key kid before it was cool! I came home most days as a child to them and if they were traveling then I went to a girlfriends house until mom could pick me up. It was a dream childhood but now that I look back, one with an undertone. One that I would eventually find out about as I grew older. That is my paternal side,you see as I have not even touched on that yet. But all in all my life was good! Hey I was a kid what did I know! I had the best of all worlds here ~ traveled with my parents and grandparents when Jay and I could and then headed up to where I live now to stay there for a week or two. Let me tell you I disliked it intensely my Pop-Pop was my salvation .. Which is so for another day on how I got here and why I stayed ~ Now it is time for me to go and continue on my path elsewhere .
Growing up was superb by every stretch of the imagination a child could have. We had the family life, Sunday dinners, watching gladiator movies on a local station out of Philadelphia Channel 48 with Bernie Herman and CBS Sports with Jim McKay. We were members of the Pennsylvania Ballet, the Philadelphia Orchestra , lunches and fashion shows at what is now WHOLEFOODS in Wynnwood but used to be called Stouffers. Shopping at Lord and Taylor in Bala Cynwyd and then High Tea at the Birdcage at 3:00 p.m. and yes I wore white gloves ! I went to a public elementary school and hung out with my friends after school. No real bells and whistles here . I went on to Charles E Ellis School for Girls then Harcum Junior College only to wrap up my educational years at Philadelphia College of Textiles and Science .We were a family but being ten years younger than my brother what did I know ~ I was protected in everyway possible . As I grew up I knew that something was amiss , the pieces where just not fitting to a degree . Then it came crashing down I think, my mind is fuzzy here but I remember the players well like yesterday it was when I was 16 years old.
My paternal grandparents are from a very small town located in Berks County, Hamburg, one that faces at this time economic strife of all proportions to be honest. I called it Dutchland and remember the dialect well, it is very rare that you hear "dutchy" being spoken . My grandfather was my bud, you see my maternal grandparents died when I was younger so Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom were all I had at the time . I loved Pop-Pop he was my rock and stood by a woman whom he would never have children by nor was he allowed to adopt my father. TWIST ! Yes, indeed my father was born out of wedlock so really my name should be Sarah Doheny Fisher. I did mention that one day and got blown out of my seat and my grandmother told me that she would disown me if I added the Fisher name . WOW who does that . I gave the woman credit for having a child at that time, 1927 in a small town where indeed her name dates back to the Civil War and the entire family on that side is buried here in the hills. To raise a child before it was "cool" on your own and to just survive here and be judged by other women . Maybe that was why we never got along to a certain degree, she was bitter and most know her as head strong but not outgoing at all . Allow me to say this, most who knew said she was "different" yes indeed Elsie was . I am related to the Tea Pot Dome Scandal during the Harding adminsitration. The other Doheny's path's and I would cross later inlife. Pop-Pop met Elsie one night when he was on leave, he had a date but the father of his date answered the door saw his uniform and slammed it! So as the story goes, him and his buddy made their way to the Field House that night in Hamburg and yes they met and married sometime later. Those details and even a marriage license are sketchy to be honest . They celebrated over 50 years of marriage together. God bless him!
Pop-Pop afforded her a life that she never possibly would have had, he was a Chief in the Navy, after that he became a Post Man here and then resigned back into the Navy. When he came home he started what became Windsor Forge Pewter and Brass and to be honest became a household name as well as a gifted craftsman. I as a child went to the shows we were invited to as his name preceeded him as did he self-taught craft. I dressed in Colonial costume and poured pewter spoons. My father helped Pop-Pop with the pounding of Betty lamps ( this is how they lite there homes in Colonial times) and the other fabulous pieces he created out of REAL pewter. He became a part of the local culture here and still to do this day is remembered by many fondly. I also found recently that he had a bicycle repair shop for .25c you could rent a bike! I still have his bike as a matter of fact. I also still have the shop, forge and foundry. Every day I walk out I say Hi! to him, I picture him in his chair working on something for someone or just a new piece of work that he created, he was always doing something and the shop was our sanctuary.................................
I was raised in an upper middle class family in Delaware County, I have an older brother, Jay or John Edward whom has since passed . My mother had her own career and my father was a self -made man in the Navy, I am a Captain's daughter. If I wanted it I got it no questions asked .
I could do no wrong in his eyes, the pretty blond with blue eyes with the name of Sarah Beth. He coddled me when he was home and sent gifts from afar when he was not. I relished the moments I danced on his feet as a child to Friday's with Frank Sinatra . They were special times, and ones that I will never forget. In our household my mother's parents also lived with us, the house was large enough to accomandate them. My grandfather on the maternal side was a retired Lt. Commander in the Army , my grandmother a socialite. They hailed from Boston as I summered every year on the Cape. I was a latch-key kid before it was cool! I came home most days as a child to them and if they were traveling then I went to a girlfriends house until mom could pick me up. It was a dream childhood but now that I look back, one with an undertone. One that I would eventually find out about as I grew older. That is my paternal side,you see as I have not even touched on that yet. But all in all my life was good! Hey I was a kid what did I know! I had the best of all worlds here ~ traveled with my parents and grandparents when Jay and I could and then headed up to where I live now to stay there for a week or two. Let me tell you I disliked it intensely my Pop-Pop was my salvation .. Which is so for another day on how I got here and why I stayed ~ Now it is time for me to go and continue on my path elsewhere .
Growing up was superb by every stretch of the imagination a child could have. We had the family life, Sunday dinners, watching gladiator movies on a local station out of Philadelphia Channel 48 with Bernie Herman and CBS Sports with Jim McKay. We were members of the Pennsylvania Ballet, the Philadelphia Orchestra , lunches and fashion shows at what is now WHOLEFOODS in Wynnwood but used to be called Stouffers. Shopping at Lord and Taylor in Bala Cynwyd and then High Tea at the Birdcage at 3:00 p.m. and yes I wore white gloves ! I went to a public elementary school and hung out with my friends after school. No real bells and whistles here . I went on to Charles E Ellis School for Girls then Harcum Junior College only to wrap up my educational years at Philadelphia College of Textiles and Science .We were a family but being ten years younger than my brother what did I know ~ I was protected in everyway possible . As I grew up I knew that something was amiss , the pieces where just not fitting to a degree . Then it came crashing down I think, my mind is fuzzy here but I remember the players well like yesterday it was when I was 16 years old.
My paternal grandparents are from a very small town located in Berks County, Hamburg, one that faces at this time economic strife of all proportions to be honest. I called it Dutchland and remember the dialect well, it is very rare that you hear "dutchy" being spoken . My grandfather was my bud, you see my maternal grandparents died when I was younger so Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom were all I had at the time . I loved Pop-Pop he was my rock and stood by a woman whom he would never have children by nor was he allowed to adopt my father. TWIST ! Yes, indeed my father was born out of wedlock so really my name should be Sarah Doheny Fisher. I did mention that one day and got blown out of my seat and my grandmother told me that she would disown me if I added the Fisher name . WOW who does that . I gave the woman credit for having a child at that time, 1927 in a small town where indeed her name dates back to the Civil War and the entire family on that side is buried here in the hills. To raise a child before it was "cool" on your own and to just survive here and be judged by other women . Maybe that was why we never got along to a certain degree, she was bitter and most know her as head strong but not outgoing at all . Allow me to say this, most who knew said she was "different" yes indeed Elsie was . I am related to the Tea Pot Dome Scandal during the Harding adminsitration. The other Doheny's path's and I would cross later inlife. Pop-Pop met Elsie one night when he was on leave, he had a date but the father of his date answered the door saw his uniform and slammed it! So as the story goes, him and his buddy made their way to the Field House that night in Hamburg and yes they met and married sometime later. Those details and even a marriage license are sketchy to be honest . They celebrated over 50 years of marriage together. God bless him!
Pop-Pop afforded her a life that she never possibly would have had, he was a Chief in the Navy, after that he became a Post Man here and then resigned back into the Navy. When he came home he started what became Windsor Forge Pewter and Brass and to be honest became a household name as well as a gifted craftsman. I as a child went to the shows we were invited to as his name preceeded him as did he self-taught craft. I dressed in Colonial costume and poured pewter spoons. My father helped Pop-Pop with the pounding of Betty lamps ( this is how they lite there homes in Colonial times) and the other fabulous pieces he created out of REAL pewter. He became a part of the local culture here and still to do this day is remembered by many fondly. I also found recently that he had a bicycle repair shop for .25c you could rent a bike! I still have his bike as a matter of fact. I also still have the shop, forge and foundry. Every day I walk out I say Hi! to him, I picture him in his chair working on something for someone or just a new piece of work that he created, he was always doing something and the shop was our sanctuary.................................
Friday, July 23, 2010
I Have A Plan
I remember his words clearly as if they were yesterday, I can't remember the date, the time was after 5 p.m and most likely a weekday. I did not have a car that day and he was giving me a ride home at that time he also lived in Newtown Square. It was right after the Ridley Park exit on I-95 when these words were spoken to me. I just sat and stared at him I had no clue as I looked at this man who had a gentle heart but whom could be cunning. We became fast friends due to trials and tribulations at work as I was his assistant, our backgrounds were both military and to be honest he was very easy to speak to. He was also my boss,and his wife was an acquaintance of mine prior to working for them. Innocent? Oh yes on my part, never entered my mind that in the years to come what would eventually happen over the course of our lives.
Time moved on as we had our own lives and intermingled on holidays and other ocassions. You see my husband was also a friend of his wife from "back in the day" so we were fast friends who hung out when we could. Work was work, play was play we all intermixed beautifully within the enviroment. I truly loved my job at that time, I was new to the industry and he taught me the ropes of the embroidery world. I grew as the company did and thrived there as well. But something was about to change and change us indeed it did forever, well me at least.
It was the Monday after Thanksgiving, the opening day of Hunting Season with a knock at my door at 6 a.m. coffee in hand. All dressed in Camo looking like a lost teddy bear he had said he would stop by. Was I sure he would? Did I really even care? Then if he did well, then what! I started to feel like a teenager in high school. The stomach flips and flops,the tension and the whole uncertainty of what was about to eventually become a fabulous relationship. The gentleness that ensued was one that novels are made of, the caring kindness of this man to me was quite unusual and totally not expected . The conversation flowed effortlessly. We stole time whenever and wherever we could , we had ocassional Saturday lunch dates at a little place we found on 422 in Douglasville, Pa. Awesome friendships grew there as well as we became "regulars" and truly enjoyed everyone's company. The down side was leaving this fantasy fun, some days I did not want it to end! He was safe to me, he became a steady rock in my life where my husband could never enter for whatever reason. He filled my life with something that still to this day I can't describe to anyone. Truly would anyone believe me to begin with? I nicknamed myself, the head TOW~ the other women. I even contemplated a vanity plate! Ok who does that! We even joked about it . I became to know the game, I knew the past and the present of each player. It was my cross to bare and I did soley and totally.......................
Time moved on as we had our own lives and intermingled on holidays and other ocassions. You see my husband was also a friend of his wife from "back in the day" so we were fast friends who hung out when we could. Work was work, play was play we all intermixed beautifully within the enviroment. I truly loved my job at that time, I was new to the industry and he taught me the ropes of the embroidery world. I grew as the company did and thrived there as well. But something was about to change and change us indeed it did forever, well me at least.
It was the Monday after Thanksgiving, the opening day of Hunting Season with a knock at my door at 6 a.m. coffee in hand. All dressed in Camo looking like a lost teddy bear he had said he would stop by. Was I sure he would? Did I really even care? Then if he did well, then what! I started to feel like a teenager in high school. The stomach flips and flops,the tension and the whole uncertainty of what was about to eventually become a fabulous relationship. The gentleness that ensued was one that novels are made of, the caring kindness of this man to me was quite unusual and totally not expected . The conversation flowed effortlessly. We stole time whenever and wherever we could , we had ocassional Saturday lunch dates at a little place we found on 422 in Douglasville, Pa. Awesome friendships grew there as well as we became "regulars" and truly enjoyed everyone's company. The down side was leaving this fantasy fun, some days I did not want it to end! He was safe to me, he became a steady rock in my life where my husband could never enter for whatever reason. He filled my life with something that still to this day I can't describe to anyone. Truly would anyone believe me to begin with? I nicknamed myself, the head TOW~ the other women. I even contemplated a vanity plate! Ok who does that! We even joked about it . I became to know the game, I knew the past and the present of each player. It was my cross to bare and I did soley and totally.......................
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Secrets
First allow me to start by saying I am not a writer by any stretch of the imagination nor do I pretend to be. One would think having a mother whom was an English Major as a parent something would have rubbed off in some type of fashion. To be honest I need to be in the mood. That is when I do my best kick-ass press releases and writings such as this. This is about a journey, my journey and where it leads I do not know. My only goal now is to empower women as I begin a new phase of my life.One that indeed I did not ask for nor was a willing participant to a degree. As my header states Secrets . Am I bitter no, I have no reason to be I am determined not defeated. Does it involve the men in my life yes to a degree and the lessons they have taught me along the way.Most importantly it is about me, some will be surprised as the lesson begins to unfold but one that I do wear proudly. That will be for another day ~~~~~~~
As some of you may know I embarked on a journey one that lead me down a very interesting path, one I will carry with me forever, good or bad. Has it changed me, yes in many ways.That journey has lead me to begin a non-profit for women and to reach out to a new network that I hope will take shape in new and facinating places. Trust and believe I am still mystifyed myself! For now the journey begins when I came home ~ and what I faced that never even entered my mind or realm that one person could do what had been done ~ All in the name of trust a very loose word in my vocabulary at this writing. Do I trust yes and will continue to but with a new vision on that word.
I arrived home on June 20th, no worse for wear but still reeling from the previous month's, looking to reconnect with old friends and business associates. We settled in for the day and just enjoyed the company of one another, the banter, ordering take-out and just being together.We vegged on the sofa and when it was time to sleep I relished the smell of him and just being able to place my head on his shoulder for that night. Of course sex would have been FABO! it is not always about the badda bing badda boom as our relationship had evolved on many levels and layers. Just to be alone with someone means more than the actual act at times.
Little did I know or understand that my life would come crashing down on top of me. After 18 hours of being home, I was alone, yes alone. The man who had stuck by me or the man I thought had been by my side had decided on a different path. Now mind you I am still settling in, getting my feet wet and to be honest I did not even go near the computer! Who does that!
"We have to talk" were the words out of his mouth, not what ones wants to hear, it has the same feeling as the call in the middle of the night or the knock on the door. I knew immediately where he was headed and that was to be the undoing of my life. As the day wore on I was indeed o.k. with the decision as I knew it, he was at his son's house and after a period of separation such as mine it took a toll. I was cool with it all, I asked for was open communciation as I trevailed the passages of mail on the desk and table. Little did I know then it was not to be that way. Secrets,the secrets came out, not by him but by my neighbor in a very innocent conversation. One thing lead to another as I felt my way thru the house knowing in the back of my mind that indeed someone had made a temporary home here while I was gone.
One thing a man should NEVER do is think that we do not know what we have. Getta grip guys trust me we know. Being the proud owner of 400+ pairs of shoes I can inform you of the one pair I am missing. My silver bracelets are my trademark along with my hair, I wear the special pieces I hold close to my heart on my left wrist one was missing, a gift from a client. Then the earrings, the tennis bracelet, the strand of my grandmothers pearls was also gone, only to be brought back by happenstance. My bride had indeed received them as a gift for "something borrowed" not from him but by her, drawers tossed, clothes disheveled and presumably tried on. I was now not only dealing with a passive/aggressive man who was stuck at an emotional level of an 8 year old but someone else. Someone whom had violated my space before. Time wore on as I eagerly went through bills all the while thinking this is just not happening. My accounts were closed, my cell turned off ( I was under the impressionit was suspended ) and I was alone totally alone left to fight a battle I really had no idea how to fight. BITTER? no just amazed at the way someone can turn on the heels and leave 98% of his belonging here but to think that I would not come to find out. Is it the case of another woman? Yes and no I was the "other woman" in a former life but never invaded personal space. Was I aware of this person oh yes, she had made herself known before in a more malicious manner. I am not upset with her by any means she is another pawn, or has he put it so eloquently "she wishes to have your life" YA strip me like last years Versace and wear me! So she got a taste of what it is like to be me ~ the last taste she will ever have.
So my quest begins with the payment of bills that are not in my name and are past due, the checks that were written and bounced and the fact I have zero funds to pay them! HAHAHA. Before you ask yes, I am fortunate to have "funds" but am not allowed to access them due to the market and how I indeed structured them for OUR future.I sit scared,alone,determined and in many ways in awe of this man. That is what freaks everyone out, well those whom know ~ why awe? It is facinating to me, how one can place themself in a self imposed prison. She will not be the growing old with me woman trust me~just not his style ~
I am not bitter at all, no no no I have no reason to be I have emerged the victor no matter how many years we were together. I am stronger today ( maybe) then I have ever been. Do I need him? To a degree yes, and he knows that right now one that we agreed upon mutually and that will come about later as this story is only the beginning not the end of an empowered woman............
As some of you may know I embarked on a journey one that lead me down a very interesting path, one I will carry with me forever, good or bad. Has it changed me, yes in many ways.That journey has lead me to begin a non-profit for women and to reach out to a new network that I hope will take shape in new and facinating places. Trust and believe I am still mystifyed myself! For now the journey begins when I came home ~ and what I faced that never even entered my mind or realm that one person could do what had been done ~ All in the name of trust a very loose word in my vocabulary at this writing. Do I trust yes and will continue to but with a new vision on that word.
I arrived home on June 20th, no worse for wear but still reeling from the previous month's, looking to reconnect with old friends and business associates. We settled in for the day and just enjoyed the company of one another, the banter, ordering take-out and just being together.We vegged on the sofa and when it was time to sleep I relished the smell of him and just being able to place my head on his shoulder for that night. Of course sex would have been FABO! it is not always about the badda bing badda boom as our relationship had evolved on many levels and layers. Just to be alone with someone means more than the actual act at times.
Little did I know or understand that my life would come crashing down on top of me. After 18 hours of being home, I was alone, yes alone. The man who had stuck by me or the man I thought had been by my side had decided on a different path. Now mind you I am still settling in, getting my feet wet and to be honest I did not even go near the computer! Who does that!
"We have to talk" were the words out of his mouth, not what ones wants to hear, it has the same feeling as the call in the middle of the night or the knock on the door. I knew immediately where he was headed and that was to be the undoing of my life. As the day wore on I was indeed o.k. with the decision as I knew it, he was at his son's house and after a period of separation such as mine it took a toll. I was cool with it all, I asked for was open communciation as I trevailed the passages of mail on the desk and table. Little did I know then it was not to be that way. Secrets,the secrets came out, not by him but by my neighbor in a very innocent conversation. One thing lead to another as I felt my way thru the house knowing in the back of my mind that indeed someone had made a temporary home here while I was gone.
One thing a man should NEVER do is think that we do not know what we have. Getta grip guys trust me we know. Being the proud owner of 400+ pairs of shoes I can inform you of the one pair I am missing. My silver bracelets are my trademark along with my hair, I wear the special pieces I hold close to my heart on my left wrist one was missing, a gift from a client. Then the earrings, the tennis bracelet, the strand of my grandmothers pearls was also gone, only to be brought back by happenstance. My bride had indeed received them as a gift for "something borrowed" not from him but by her, drawers tossed, clothes disheveled and presumably tried on. I was now not only dealing with a passive/aggressive man who was stuck at an emotional level of an 8 year old but someone else. Someone whom had violated my space before. Time wore on as I eagerly went through bills all the while thinking this is just not happening. My accounts were closed, my cell turned off ( I was under the impressionit was suspended ) and I was alone totally alone left to fight a battle I really had no idea how to fight. BITTER? no just amazed at the way someone can turn on the heels and leave 98% of his belonging here but to think that I would not come to find out. Is it the case of another woman? Yes and no I was the "other woman" in a former life but never invaded personal space. Was I aware of this person oh yes, she had made herself known before in a more malicious manner. I am not upset with her by any means she is another pawn, or has he put it so eloquently "she wishes to have your life" YA strip me like last years Versace and wear me! So she got a taste of what it is like to be me ~ the last taste she will ever have.
So my quest begins with the payment of bills that are not in my name and are past due, the checks that were written and bounced and the fact I have zero funds to pay them! HAHAHA. Before you ask yes, I am fortunate to have "funds" but am not allowed to access them due to the market and how I indeed structured them for OUR future.I sit scared,alone,determined and in many ways in awe of this man. That is what freaks everyone out, well those whom know ~ why awe? It is facinating to me, how one can place themself in a self imposed prison. She will not be the growing old with me woman trust me~just not his style ~
I am not bitter at all, no no no I have no reason to be I have emerged the victor no matter how many years we were together. I am stronger today ( maybe) then I have ever been. Do I need him? To a degree yes, and he knows that right now one that we agreed upon mutually and that will come about later as this story is only the beginning not the end of an empowered woman............
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