Enuff already

I sit in my office on this cool November day pondering much that has transpired over the past few month's and possibly the past year in my life. I am grateful for those whom have whethered this storm with me, as I face the final hurdle of this intrinsic web that has been weaved. I am still for the most part frustrated as each day passes it is driving me crazy to be honest !



Some may say I am bitter, trust me far from that, I am disappointed in the man that I fell head over heels in love with many years ago. We have changed, I don't even know him anymore to be honest maybe I actually never did, his sense of reality stymies even me. You see he became my co-dependant on some levels. I never wished to have a "yes" man I have to a degree learned why he did it, but maybe just possibly I wished him not to say "yes". Just once say no create the banter we used to have would I have gotten upset? Probably not, would I get over it ? Oh hell to the yes ~
Hard frigging lesson to learn when you love someone so completely and you have that trust even though it had been tested before one still hopes. The mere fact that one can look you dead in the eyes and lie just amazes me, the final deceit was about to come and one I am sure he has not even come to terms with as like most issues that have arisen in his life he runs ~ It is easier to leave carnage then to have to deal with it.. The mere fact of inviting someone to live in someone's elses home simply amazes me~ that is my violation, the rest well we will get through that easy enough . His compartments are crumbling like a ill-stacked deck of cards, I watch from afar to some degree humored of course, defeated no. He ran, more than a few need to understand that. The bed remains unslept in as I have not made it that far yet that hurdle for me will take some time that is the final violation that any woman could ever bare.

Maybe it is the pending holidays, a funny "anniversary" of sorts that would be tomorrow or the simple promise that this would be a special year with a entirely new beginning. Memories stream as I hear in the back of my mind the promises that were made and for not. The tenderness that I once knew is not there or is it? Oh I can see the eyes now just put them back in your heads ~I wish closure I am that kinda chic that needs to know, yes that is me the thousand question girl, he always said I asked to many! Well my father used to say if you don't know then ask so to me no question is off limits ~ Will I ever know? I don't think he can man-up, he cut off communication when he saw that the shit was about to hit the fan. Oh boy did the shit hit and it hit hard~ Run Forrest Run!

Funny just the other night I woke up to the smell of a cigarette ruminating from the office. I actually got up as it stirred me to that extent, yet he was not sitting in the chair in front of the computer with parts illuminating the screen, I would crawl into the other office chair where we would embark on the best brainstorming sessions ever! Possibly it was not even him as this house creaks and moans with smells of those whom have shared my life ~ I speak to them daily asking for a sign not knowing whom it would be of course. ....