Silence

It has been awhile since I have written my blog, I write little notes to myself everyday on what has transpired or actually what has not Silence,odd as that word is one I relish most days while on other days I have come to loath it. It is not my choice mind you , it was created a little bit at a time over the course of few month's. First came the phone back in July as I waited to be picked up only to find out that no not today for this event that I had helped to plan. The answer ? 'I thought you didn't want to go ". The kick in the butt was when I called to confirm an order and was informed"oh yes Sarah was just here" no she was not I am on the phone. My identity had now become in jeopardy to an extent. The film fax was only the first of many clues ....on just how it would eventually take hold of my life. The lie had spun outof control , the month's of deceit . I was now alone trying to navigate a place I had not called home in a few month's. I was getting acclimated to my own surroundings but they were not mine anymore. They had been rearranged, packed even taken. To what level this I will never know and how much complicity is up for grabs as well.


he facts, the whys and the why nots in life. I ask a thousand questions, the last retort I wish to hear is that "I was lonely" or "you left me" So the lie was complete, the stage was set and the character actors took their positions but the closing scene took a very large piece of me. I want to know it all, the good the bad and the ugly and have to for me to go on. In many ways I have, each day that passes it does get easier.I am however left with items that trigger memories that leave me frozen in my place. To be honest,haven't slept in my bedroom for over a month and that door remains closed only to wonder when I will allow myself to go back. I can't it hurts to much to know, that a portion of my life was lived by someone else who came in and destroyed what was once treasured. To know how they masterminded the entire process is just amazing to me. What resonates in my head is the statement"I am happy" what does "happy" mean? To think that a person can shutdown so completely how do you give yourself to another? You can't as this chapter is far from closed.
Does it excite me to think that another person is not comfortable in their place? Of course I would be lying if I thought otherwise, they wiggle like a worm freshly minted on the end of a fishing hook. To delude ones self to actually think that this could be a competition is even more astounding My cards have been dealt ......
The last time was unannounced,I walked through my kitchen and watched him meander up the walk to the house. I froze, thoughts racing what should I do, this man who totally took my life threw it to the wind like a bird taking flight had indeed done it again. The look was foreign to me the emptiness of ones soul so devoid of any emotion took me by surprise. We spoke for the first time in over a month, I don't know if he understood the pain that the depth of his actions took as I could not understand the pain I had inflicted unknowingly on him. He never opened up until this day and even that was guarded. I opened the box and realized that each of us has a place in his life a compartment to be exact so one ever crosses over into the other one until now. He was afraid for the first time in his life and now I held that key. Silence has taken over once again..............

Silence

It echos in my ears daily the noncommunciation is more than I can stand at times and I wonder why? The last time we spoke I had the pleasure of hearing the comment that will stay with me forever, "I think we are calling it quits" is this another trial run? To me that is like being almost pregnant how can one be that emotionally devoid as to not face what was created soley not by me. Not dealing with it emotionally is more to the case as I was told in the car before the gentle squeeze of the hand that showed me he still does care, the kiss he so gently gave and lingers on my lips to this day. How can one just go through life and leave such carnage? I am baffled by such lack of integrity as I walk the line every day and wonder what actually transpired in the house while I was not here. This is no longer mine, the treasure I once relished has been destroyed.

I open drawers, go through closets wondering if indeed was this gone through? The quest leads me down paths as I attempt to locate precious pieces that are no longer here. How can one be so callous? Granted they are material objects but they were given to me by him, it is the principal. My days are easier but the silence, the non-responsive attitude is what cuts deep to my inner core. The closeness, the secrets I once shared have been shattered like glass. Looking into the past I see the chess players and how they have been manipulated to fit into compartments so indeed no one got hurt, that did not happen this time. The lies, deceit, broken promises are all to painful as I begin to heal. My journey has begun, I can't live in the past.

The mantra of those close to me ask "would you take him back?" I stop dead in my tracks, tears well up in my eyes as the pain wafts over me once again. I grow silent and then stutter my answer as this is the hardest, of course not the man he has become or actually he always was? Hiding behind himself not really facing those demons that have laid dormant deep inside wounds that have never been given a chance to heal over the years prior to even me. I never wanted a "yes " man and that is what he became. The man that I had come to know had taken a painful detour. He protected me in everyway he possibly could, I leaned on him without even realizing what I was doing and there was not one person stopping me not even him. That alone is one that I have to struggle with daily as I cannot take that pain away, but I can lessen it by forgiveness.
Pandora's Box I used to say in our private moments to which brought a giggle and a twinkle of those hazel eyes as he knew just what I had spoken of. I wanted to be the one whom opened this box, the box he kept so closed up so protected that I do not believe he can even begin to open it or let anyone else in. My connection will never leave as it runs deep to the inner core that I do know and that will never be taken away by anyone in our lifetime....