It has been quite some time since I have written and I am sure my publisher will not be happy to hear that! I do write certain things down that happen along this windy road that life has taken me down over the past nine month's, for the most part it's been an eye opener ..
My word of late is Entitlement, and those in the world whom feel they may be owed or need to make themselves feel important in one way or another. It could be as simple as their face always being in a picture thus furthering their brand with no focus on the client. Another case maybe that the world has just not treated them fairly and they felt "entitled" to enjoy certain things that they would not be privy to in day to day life. Trust me I know what you are thinking right now, you are preaching to the choirs kids! Entitlement`~ do I feel entitled? No never have been nor ever will be. I have worked hard for everything I have gotten and those relationships we have built. I stand on integrity and solid footing as it has never been about me. Those whom we watch around us may feel differently and that is all well and good. My mantra has been "those whom you piss off on the way up will be waving on your way back down." Being on the top is not a goal I strive to get to. My trainer once told me "you need to train like you are in second place to get to first place." That has stuck with me throughtout my bodybuilding and business years. Sure it is great to bring home a trophy, I got em how many do you want? For me it is the accomplishment of standing on that stage, just knowing my work has paid off. I have the same work ethic when it comes to those we represent, I can count on my fingers how many pictures we have been in with clients -we work for them. It is about them not I.
Entitlement~~ big word and clearly there are those whom feel through their actions that indeed they are/were "entitled", have no shame to their game and feel no responsibilty. I even had to look this up as this word encompasses so much . So upon my findings indeed the meaning is mixed ~ 1) to entitle to give name to 2) a title given for nobility 3) to give oneself the right to do or to have something;allow;qualify . I do believe Don Pardo we have a winner on number ?????
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Messages
Time drifts by with each passing day, it has been a little easier but many questions remain, whether or not I get them answered only the heavens will know that . Secondly how important is it that I do get those answers. That is what I ask myself and do that daily. I am a Captain's daughter, a LT Colonels granddaughter, I have always asked questions, as I was told as a young child no question is ever stupid and if you wish to learn then one must ask......So for me whether or not I like the answers I need to know. It will be my closure
The messages are always enlightening they tend to lean towards the "I am a victim" they always end with some silly childish saying like "See ya wouldn't want to be ya !" They ramble on and on incoherent at times and fade in and out , they are saved for posterity and provide some humor I must admit. Let's be realistic here, who in their right mind unless we are 16 years old actually does this type of behavior? They now arrive in waves, usually on a Friday afternoon the phones begin to ring and the messages get left. We have seen the pattern and now it is my cocktail hour ! Who knew such dribble could be so entertaining ! O.K. let's be honest here going so far as to go to Wal-Mart buying a Cubic Zircon then telling people it an engagement ring is borderline scary!! Do you all not agree? Each day I look for the LIFETIME cameras!! I mean I do have a sense of humor but that is where I need to draw my lines in the sand ~Do you not see some type of psychotic behavior in that ~ and you all thought is was me right? I find humor in the strangest places ~ if you cannot laugh at yourself then truly you need a retreat on a foreign island.
Granted my level of comfort has been rocked, the house that was left to me is no longer the safe haven to some degree that I have come to embrace after a long day schleeping around in the city. I hear the warriors cry SELL SELL they chant in my ear ~WHY WHY WHY I retort ~~ I have the best of both worlds, easy access to three major hubs ( for those of you who know where I reside that is not one of the hubs trust me ). I am afforded the peacefulness of relaxing on a sumer day watching the little guys play in the ball field . The garden I love to play around with and watch the huge orange squash blossoms open in the early morning mist and walking the dog over to my grandfathers bridge, watching the river flow past below me gazing at the wide moutain ranges, my happy place that will never be taken away from me.........
The messages are always enlightening they tend to lean towards the "I am a victim" they always end with some silly childish saying like "See ya wouldn't want to be ya !" They ramble on and on incoherent at times and fade in and out , they are saved for posterity and provide some humor I must admit. Let's be realistic here, who in their right mind unless we are 16 years old actually does this type of behavior? They now arrive in waves, usually on a Friday afternoon the phones begin to ring and the messages get left. We have seen the pattern and now it is my cocktail hour ! Who knew such dribble could be so entertaining ! O.K. let's be honest here going so far as to go to Wal-Mart buying a Cubic Zircon then telling people it an engagement ring is borderline scary!! Do you all not agree? Each day I look for the LIFETIME cameras!! I mean I do have a sense of humor but that is where I need to draw my lines in the sand ~Do you not see some type of psychotic behavior in that ~ and you all thought is was me right? I find humor in the strangest places ~ if you cannot laugh at yourself then truly you need a retreat on a foreign island.
Granted my level of comfort has been rocked, the house that was left to me is no longer the safe haven to some degree that I have come to embrace after a long day schleeping around in the city. I hear the warriors cry SELL SELL they chant in my ear ~WHY WHY WHY I retort ~~ I have the best of both worlds, easy access to three major hubs ( for those of you who know where I reside that is not one of the hubs trust me ). I am afforded the peacefulness of relaxing on a sumer day watching the little guys play in the ball field . The garden I love to play around with and watch the huge orange squash blossoms open in the early morning mist and walking the dog over to my grandfathers bridge, watching the river flow past below me gazing at the wide moutain ranges, my happy place that will never be taken away from me.........
Saturday, January 15, 2011
7:15
The call came at 7:15 marked "private number" I knew exactly whom it was as I had expected this to begin ... again........ into voicemail they went.
Later in the evening I braved the phone to bring up the message that had been left for me knowing full well the garbage that would be spewed~ the idol threats and nonsensical ramblings of a person whom I have no contact with at all nor have or even care to ever in my life.
I'm numb as I write this wondering when the next text message will come or when the phone will ring.To be honest the voice is enough to scare a flock of goats off a cliff. Grating at best like nails on a chalkboard. Just the mear fact that someone takes all of this time and effort to do this is quite amazing to me to be honest. I pity them, it is like the saying "You can take the person out of ________ but you can't take __________ out of the person." BINGO!!!
I find it incredible the amount of time spent on me by this individual. The vendetta for lack of a better word is only known by them, so be it they have to live with themselves and after all that has occurred to even to be able to look at themselves in the mirror is way beyond my realm of comprehension. They have no quilt or shame for their actions~~~~~it is far easier to cast it out onto someone else thus releasing them of their actions. Yet karma is a BIOTCH as I have stated before and it will come full circle and I will be there with bells on my toes in 7" stilettos.
Oh and before I forget it is Man-o-lo NOT Manalolo
Later in the evening I braved the phone to bring up the message that had been left for me knowing full well the garbage that would be spewed~ the idol threats and nonsensical ramblings of a person whom I have no contact with at all nor have or even care to ever in my life.
I'm numb as I write this wondering when the next text message will come or when the phone will ring.To be honest the voice is enough to scare a flock of goats off a cliff. Grating at best like nails on a chalkboard. Just the mear fact that someone takes all of this time and effort to do this is quite amazing to me to be honest. I pity them, it is like the saying "You can take the person out of ________ but you can't take __________ out of the person." BINGO!!!
I find it incredible the amount of time spent on me by this individual. The vendetta for lack of a better word is only known by them, so be it they have to live with themselves and after all that has occurred to even to be able to look at themselves in the mirror is way beyond my realm of comprehension. They have no quilt or shame for their actions~~~~~it is far easier to cast it out onto someone else thus releasing them of their actions. Yet karma is a BIOTCH as I have stated before and it will come full circle and I will be there with bells on my toes in 7" stilettos.
Oh and before I forget it is Man-o-lo NOT Manalolo
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010
How bittersweet a year this as has been as we wind down the hours and get ready for the New Year before us. Mine has been one of adventures~ new friends~ new business relationships and purging of those whom just "don't get it" as we like to say. I have been open and candid with my tales and triumphs over the past few month's and remain true to my word as I always have been. What I came home to no one should ever have to feel that level deceit and betrayal but it was not just one person. I came thru the fire and now stand on my two 7" stilletos and though the tears came quite readily a entirely new person whom had lost some of herself along the way emerged. I am determined not defeated.
The other person who now haunts me thru facebook will meet her own destiny. It is so easy to hide behind others, how cowardly these actions are that I pity her. For she will remain stuck, playing a game trying to be something she will never be nor ever could be due all to her own issues she chose not to face. So for me to be the scapegoat just will not happen any longer. She has to look in the mirror everyday ~ Karma baby is a BIOTCH and mine just so happens to wear 7" Louboutins and yes I can run, jump and swim in them if I have to. It is sad when one tries to assume anothers role ~ be happy with whom you are as you can't be anyone else but you no matter how you try. How did it work for ya?
So has the healing begun yes and each day baby steps are taken. Communciation has opened and that is all I asked for. It was needed for us to move in any type of forward motion. I refuse to remain "stuck" over actions of others. ~ I am good with whom I am today,tomorrow and the next. Does the story end here? Oh no there is so much more to tell as this path has only just begun ~I have yet to really get to the good stuff~
Happy New Year to all !
The other person who now haunts me thru facebook will meet her own destiny. It is so easy to hide behind others, how cowardly these actions are that I pity her. For she will remain stuck, playing a game trying to be something she will never be nor ever could be due all to her own issues she chose not to face. So for me to be the scapegoat just will not happen any longer. She has to look in the mirror everyday ~ Karma baby is a BIOTCH and mine just so happens to wear 7" Louboutins and yes I can run, jump and swim in them if I have to. It is sad when one tries to assume anothers role ~ be happy with whom you are as you can't be anyone else but you no matter how you try. How did it work for ya?
So has the healing begun yes and each day baby steps are taken. Communciation has opened and that is all I asked for. It was needed for us to move in any type of forward motion. I refuse to remain "stuck" over actions of others. ~ I am good with whom I am today,tomorrow and the next. Does the story end here? Oh no there is so much more to tell as this path has only just begun ~I have yet to really get to the good stuff~
Happy New Year to all !
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The Tailspin
I sit here now and gaze at five legal pads full of "book" and wonder just how in the hell this will all play out. The holidays for me have been bittersweet since Christmas Eve of 1989, a day that again altered my life forever. That morning at 2 a.m. brought the news to my family of my brother's death earlier in the night, 11:15 to be exact.
I find humor here, my mother first slammed the door in the State Troopers face and then yelled at me as she thought I had received a ticket. Soon after the phone rang it was Newtown Square Police the friendly voice of Jim asking me to open the door. We gathered in the breakfast room as the news delivered did not make sense at first. My brother was a Jr. and my father had just passed the year prior, but they did not say Jr. Like a bolt of lightning it hit they realized "Jay" was a Jr. and the rest shall we say was a blur of phone calls, funeral homes. and family while trying to get the pieces to this puzzle sifted out as information was not forthcoming .To this very day I am either awake until 11:15 or wake up at 2 a.m. for those few moments and remember. This year has been bittersweet to say the least, so I bundled Jackie O up in her finest embroidered plaid coat and off we went to the cemetery . The night was still and the moon enshrouded in clouds as we sat in the cold and had quite a conversation with them all. I asked for a sign on this morning, little did I know it was to come.
The message appeared on my phone at 9:58 a.m., I froze while wondering if indeed this was some type of cruel joke. There it was in plain sight, now remember I have not had any contact with him in well over five month's which was not my doing. I dropped the phone, battery popping out it slid across the kitchen floor where frantically like a school girl I fumbled, regained composure and finally the phone rebooted. I opened the email it was from him wishing me a Merry Christmas and wondering how I was doing. The words were kind, sweet in true fashion my pet name lead off the email. I melted and thus began the tailspin. The entire bag of mixed emotions washed over me like Niagara Falls as I wondered, do I answer, what do I say and how do I say it so it does not come off wrong all went through my mind at warp factor speed. Captain James T. Kirk would have been astonished and no Scottie to bean me up. I would be lying like a rug if I did not say that I missed him. I was totally blindsided by this nightmare and tossed into quagmire of shit. We have a very deep history as I have explained in prior blogs. That "pookie" got me through some strange ass days in the previous month's.
I answered five different times all to be discarded as I hoped that my email back wouldn't be taken out of context. I inquired about how he was and what was going on and if he was o.k. and was it really him. The later being my first thought that had entered my mind besides why now? I chose not to go down that road, email was not the place for that and I was overjoyed that he reached out. I received a sweet reply that he was hanging in there like I was and that he would be in touch later. LATER is what killed me, would he come by, when would come by, would he call me, yes all of that shit as tears streamed down my face, the little girl in me popped out. So much for hangin tough ~ right? This will be for another day ~
The past month's for me have been one of soul searching as I have discovered many sidelined shall we say qualities about myself through the various people that I have connected with . I have been a guest on ABCNEWSNOW.com and have spoken in the radio blogsphere on many shows. I must own and keep it real as I do in my business world that is how I am true to whom I am and to my clients whom work with me. If one is not true than one cannot be true to others, and I make no promises.
I have learned patience, tolerance, forgiveness and have allowed myself to grieve for those whom I have not over the years. This valuable learning came through a very hard life lesson. Being the only standing member of a family is really bizarre. I had hoped upon my return to express this to him but that was not to be, within 24 hours my world crashed and burned. I cannot take it back, he stood by me every step of the way while giving up part of whom he is, but he allowed that to take place he made that sacrifice on his own. Each of us must atone for our actions, he needs to take ownership for his and find his integrity. My only wish is for me to be able to explain that to him.....and begin the healing and friendship that we have underneath it all
Now where is the damn Rock Salt???
I find humor here, my mother first slammed the door in the State Troopers face and then yelled at me as she thought I had received a ticket. Soon after the phone rang it was Newtown Square Police the friendly voice of Jim asking me to open the door. We gathered in the breakfast room as the news delivered did not make sense at first. My brother was a Jr. and my father had just passed the year prior, but they did not say Jr. Like a bolt of lightning it hit they realized "Jay" was a Jr. and the rest shall we say was a blur of phone calls, funeral homes. and family while trying to get the pieces to this puzzle sifted out as information was not forthcoming .To this very day I am either awake until 11:15 or wake up at 2 a.m. for those few moments and remember. This year has been bittersweet to say the least, so I bundled Jackie O up in her finest embroidered plaid coat and off we went to the cemetery . The night was still and the moon enshrouded in clouds as we sat in the cold and had quite a conversation with them all. I asked for a sign on this morning, little did I know it was to come.
The message appeared on my phone at 9:58 a.m., I froze while wondering if indeed this was some type of cruel joke. There it was in plain sight, now remember I have not had any contact with him in well over five month's which was not my doing. I dropped the phone, battery popping out it slid across the kitchen floor where frantically like a school girl I fumbled, regained composure and finally the phone rebooted. I opened the email it was from him wishing me a Merry Christmas and wondering how I was doing. The words were kind, sweet in true fashion my pet name lead off the email. I melted and thus began the tailspin. The entire bag of mixed emotions washed over me like Niagara Falls as I wondered, do I answer, what do I say and how do I say it so it does not come off wrong all went through my mind at warp factor speed. Captain James T. Kirk would have been astonished and no Scottie to bean me up. I would be lying like a rug if I did not say that I missed him. I was totally blindsided by this nightmare and tossed into quagmire of shit. We have a very deep history as I have explained in prior blogs. That "pookie" got me through some strange ass days in the previous month's.
I answered five different times all to be discarded as I hoped that my email back wouldn't be taken out of context. I inquired about how he was and what was going on and if he was o.k. and was it really him. The later being my first thought that had entered my mind besides why now? I chose not to go down that road, email was not the place for that and I was overjoyed that he reached out. I received a sweet reply that he was hanging in there like I was and that he would be in touch later. LATER is what killed me, would he come by, when would come by, would he call me, yes all of that shit as tears streamed down my face, the little girl in me popped out. So much for hangin tough ~ right? This will be for another day ~
The past month's for me have been one of soul searching as I have discovered many sidelined shall we say qualities about myself through the various people that I have connected with . I have been a guest on ABCNEWSNOW.com and have spoken in the radio blogsphere on many shows. I must own and keep it real as I do in my business world that is how I am true to whom I am and to my clients whom work with me. If one is not true than one cannot be true to others, and I make no promises.
I have learned patience, tolerance, forgiveness and have allowed myself to grieve for those whom I have not over the years. This valuable learning came through a very hard life lesson. Being the only standing member of a family is really bizarre. I had hoped upon my return to express this to him but that was not to be, within 24 hours my world crashed and burned. I cannot take it back, he stood by me every step of the way while giving up part of whom he is, but he allowed that to take place he made that sacrifice on his own. Each of us must atone for our actions, he needs to take ownership for his and find his integrity. My only wish is for me to be able to explain that to him.....and begin the healing and friendship that we have underneath it all
Now where is the damn Rock Salt???
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Enuff already
I sit in my office on this cool November day pondering much that has transpired over the past few month's and possibly the past year in my life. I am grateful for those whom have whethered this storm with me, as I face the final hurdle of this intrinsic web that has been weaved. I am still for the most part frustrated as each day passes it is driving me crazy to be honest !
Some may say I am bitter, trust me far from that, I am disappointed in the man that I fell head over heels in love with many years ago. We have changed, I don't even know him anymore to be honest maybe I actually never did, his sense of reality stymies even me. You see he became my co-dependant on some levels. I never wished to have a "yes" man I have to a degree learned why he did it, but maybe just possibly I wished him not to say "yes". Just once say no create the banter we used to have would I have gotten upset? Probably not, would I get over it ? Oh hell to the yes ~
Hard frigging lesson to learn when you love someone so completely and you have that trust even though it had been tested before one still hopes. The mere fact that one can look you dead in the eyes and lie just amazes me, the final deceit was about to come and one I am sure he has not even come to terms with as like most issues that have arisen in his life he runs ~ It is easier to leave carnage then to have to deal with it.. The mere fact of inviting someone to live in someone's elses home simply amazes me~ that is my violation, the rest well we will get through that easy enough . His compartments are crumbling like a ill-stacked deck of cards, I watch from afar to some degree humored of course, defeated no. He ran, more than a few need to understand that. The bed remains unslept in as I have not made it that far yet that hurdle for me will take some time that is the final violation that any woman could ever bare.
Maybe it is the pending holidays, a funny "anniversary" of sorts that would be tomorrow or the simple promise that this would be a special year with a entirely new beginning. Memories stream as I hear in the back of my mind the promises that were made and for not. The tenderness that I once knew is not there or is it? Oh I can see the eyes now just put them back in your heads ~I wish closure I am that kinda chic that needs to know, yes that is me the thousand question girl, he always said I asked to many! Well my father used to say if you don't know then ask so to me no question is off limits ~ Will I ever know? I don't think he can man-up, he cut off communication when he saw that the shit was about to hit the fan. Oh boy did the shit hit and it hit hard~ Run Forrest Run!
Funny just the other night I woke up to the smell of a cigarette ruminating from the office. I actually got up as it stirred me to that extent, yet he was not sitting in the chair in front of the computer with parts illuminating the screen, I would crawl into the other office chair where we would embark on the best brainstorming sessions ever! Possibly it was not even him as this house creaks and moans with smells of those whom have shared my life ~ I speak to them daily asking for a sign not knowing whom it would be of course. ....
Some may say I am bitter, trust me far from that, I am disappointed in the man that I fell head over heels in love with many years ago. We have changed, I don't even know him anymore to be honest maybe I actually never did, his sense of reality stymies even me. You see he became my co-dependant on some levels. I never wished to have a "yes" man I have to a degree learned why he did it, but maybe just possibly I wished him not to say "yes". Just once say no create the banter we used to have would I have gotten upset? Probably not, would I get over it ? Oh hell to the yes ~
Hard frigging lesson to learn when you love someone so completely and you have that trust even though it had been tested before one still hopes. The mere fact that one can look you dead in the eyes and lie just amazes me, the final deceit was about to come and one I am sure he has not even come to terms with as like most issues that have arisen in his life he runs ~ It is easier to leave carnage then to have to deal with it.. The mere fact of inviting someone to live in someone's elses home simply amazes me~ that is my violation, the rest well we will get through that easy enough . His compartments are crumbling like a ill-stacked deck of cards, I watch from afar to some degree humored of course, defeated no. He ran, more than a few need to understand that. The bed remains unslept in as I have not made it that far yet that hurdle for me will take some time that is the final violation that any woman could ever bare.
Maybe it is the pending holidays, a funny "anniversary" of sorts that would be tomorrow or the simple promise that this would be a special year with a entirely new beginning. Memories stream as I hear in the back of my mind the promises that were made and for not. The tenderness that I once knew is not there or is it? Oh I can see the eyes now just put them back in your heads ~I wish closure I am that kinda chic that needs to know, yes that is me the thousand question girl, he always said I asked to many! Well my father used to say if you don't know then ask so to me no question is off limits ~ Will I ever know? I don't think he can man-up, he cut off communication when he saw that the shit was about to hit the fan. Oh boy did the shit hit and it hit hard~ Run Forrest Run!
Funny just the other night I woke up to the smell of a cigarette ruminating from the office. I actually got up as it stirred me to that extent, yet he was not sitting in the chair in front of the computer with parts illuminating the screen, I would crawl into the other office chair where we would embark on the best brainstorming sessions ever! Possibly it was not even him as this house creaks and moans with smells of those whom have shared my life ~ I speak to them daily asking for a sign not knowing whom it would be of course. ....
Monday, October 11, 2010
Oh my !!
I was doing so well having no contact with him, the days seemed to go by endlessly even though in the back of my mind I knew I was not getting the closure I needed. Mail has been received which breaks my heart, not for me but for him. I am not the bad guy here yet at times I feel like I am and why I cannot answer that either. I like life, I have fun with life and with those whom I have around me. I have been fortunate to be afforded certain things and are they of value ? NO!! Not to me just fun items I have found along my way. Life is to be enjoyed and besides if you can't have a laugh at yourself then whom can you laugh at?
My issue is that there is no apology of what took place in my home, the total violation of ones being, the lose of items that were given to me and yes that betrayal. To this day I sleep on the sofa and that door remains closed. I can't go in as when I do it punches me in the stomach to think of what took place in my bedroom. To even imagine someone coming into my home, my sanctuary and "pretending" it is theirs. To change the address to mine, to assume you are me which of course you cannot nor ever will be. To go through my belongings to take them as if they are yours as well is just so totally vial. Yet they are fine with that , to play "pretend house" to actually believe that is O.K.? The total denial of not owning what one did is a mystery to me. There is so much to be returned that I wonder when this will end.
Today I did something out of character and I have no reason why, I was sitting at my desk and for some reason hit his phone number and texted him in my way to say a simple "Hi" then my pet name for him. It was only two very simple words to be honest. My phone dropped when it went through, I was shocked even stunned as I saw the "d" meaning that it was delivered come up . The wounds reopened immediately, the mere thought that there could be an adult conversation was thrilling to me but then the phone rang the ring tone that I had given to him and I froze not knowing what to say besides Hello... I did and the voice on the other end was not his, it was someone whom again was violating a space. ~ to which I began to laugh as I never intruded in his private space that is called TRUST. Of which I can see there is none there which even makes me laugh even harder.
TRUST, what a powerful word and to think I trusted this man with my life, the lies the deceit are overwhelming at best. My thoughts however still remain, what type of person does this and how can they look at themselves in the mirror on a daily basis? I am really stuck here at this point and as far as I thought I had come I guess I have not .............
My issue is that there is no apology of what took place in my home, the total violation of ones being, the lose of items that were given to me and yes that betrayal. To this day I sleep on the sofa and that door remains closed. I can't go in as when I do it punches me in the stomach to think of what took place in my bedroom. To even imagine someone coming into my home, my sanctuary and "pretending" it is theirs. To change the address to mine, to assume you are me which of course you cannot nor ever will be. To go through my belongings to take them as if they are yours as well is just so totally vial. Yet they are fine with that , to play "pretend house" to actually believe that is O.K.? The total denial of not owning what one did is a mystery to me. There is so much to be returned that I wonder when this will end.
Today I did something out of character and I have no reason why, I was sitting at my desk and for some reason hit his phone number and texted him in my way to say a simple "Hi" then my pet name for him. It was only two very simple words to be honest. My phone dropped when it went through, I was shocked even stunned as I saw the "d" meaning that it was delivered come up . The wounds reopened immediately, the mere thought that there could be an adult conversation was thrilling to me but then the phone rang the ring tone that I had given to him and I froze not knowing what to say besides Hello... I did and the voice on the other end was not his, it was someone whom again was violating a space. ~ to which I began to laugh as I never intruded in his private space that is called TRUST. Of which I can see there is none there which even makes me laugh even harder.
TRUST, what a powerful word and to think I trusted this man with my life, the lies the deceit are overwhelming at best. My thoughts however still remain, what type of person does this and how can they look at themselves in the mirror on a daily basis? I am really stuck here at this point and as far as I thought I had come I guess I have not .............
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