Silence

It echos in my ears daily the noncommunciation is more than I can stand at times and I wonder why? The last time we spoke I had the pleasure of hearing the comment that will stay with me forever, "I think we are calling it quits" is this another trial run? To me that is like being almost pregnant how can one be that emotionally devoid as to not face what was created soley not by me. Not dealing with it emotionally is more to the case as I was told in the car before the gentle squeeze of the hand that showed me he still does care, the kiss he so gently gave and lingers on my lips to this day. How can one just go through life and leave such carnage? I am baffled by such lack of integrity as I walk the line every day and wonder what actually transpired in the house while I was not here. This is no longer mine, the treasure I once relished has been destroyed.

I open drawers, go through closets wondering if indeed was this gone through? The quest leads me down paths as I attempt to locate precious pieces that are no longer here. How can one be so callous? Granted they are material objects but they were given to me by him, it is the principal. My days are easier but the silence, the non-responsive attitude is what cuts deep to my inner core. The closeness, the secrets I once shared have been shattered like glass. Looking into the past I see the chess players and how they have been manipulated to fit into compartments so indeed no one got hurt, that did not happen this time. The lies, deceit, broken promises are all to painful as I begin to heal. My journey has begun, I can't live in the past.

The mantra of those close to me ask "would you take him back?" I stop dead in my tracks, tears well up in my eyes as the pain wafts over me once again. I grow silent and then stutter my answer as this is the hardest, of course not the man he has become or actually he always was? Hiding behind himself not really facing those demons that have laid dormant deep inside wounds that have never been given a chance to heal over the years prior to even me. I never wanted a "yes " man and that is what he became. The man that I had come to know had taken a painful detour. He protected me in everyway he possibly could, I leaned on him without even realizing what I was doing and there was not one person stopping me not even him. That alone is one that I have to struggle with daily as I cannot take that pain away, but I can lessen it by forgiveness.
Pandora's Box I used to say in our private moments to which brought a giggle and a twinkle of those hazel eyes as he knew just what I had spoken of. I wanted to be the one whom opened this box, the box he kept so closed up so protected that I do not believe he can even begin to open it or let anyone else in. My connection will never leave as it runs deep to the inner core that I do know and that will never be taken away by anyone in our lifetime....