How bittersweet a year this as has been as we wind down the hours and get ready for the New Year before us. Mine has been one of adventures~ new friends~ new business relationships and purging of those whom just "don't get it" as we like to say. I have been open and candid with my tales and triumphs over the past few month's and remain true to my word as I always have been. What I came home to no one should ever have to feel that level deceit and betrayal but it was not just one person. I came thru the fire and now stand on my two 7" stilletos and though the tears came quite readily a entirely new person whom had lost some of herself along the way emerged. I am determined not defeated.
The other person who now haunts me thru facebook will meet her own destiny. It is so easy to hide behind others, how cowardly these actions are that I pity her. For she will remain stuck, playing a game trying to be something she will never be nor ever could be due all to her own issues she chose not to face. So for me to be the scapegoat just will not happen any longer. She has to look in the mirror everyday ~ Karma baby is a BIOTCH and mine just so happens to wear 7" Louboutins and yes I can run, jump and swim in them if I have to. It is sad when one tries to assume anothers role ~ be happy with whom you are as you can't be anyone else but you no matter how you try. How did it work for ya?
So has the healing begun yes and each day baby steps are taken. Communciation has opened and that is all I asked for. It was needed for us to move in any type of forward motion. I refuse to remain "stuck" over actions of others. ~ I am good with whom I am today,tomorrow and the next. Does the story end here? Oh no there is so much more to tell as this path has only just begun ~I have yet to really get to the good stuff~
Happy New Year to all !
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The Tailspin
I sit here now and gaze at five legal pads full of "book" and wonder just how in the hell this will all play out. The holidays for me have been bittersweet since Christmas Eve of 1989, a day that again altered my life forever. That morning at 2 a.m. brought the news to my family of my brother's death earlier in the night, 11:15 to be exact.
I find humor here, my mother first slammed the door in the State Troopers face and then yelled at me as she thought I had received a ticket. Soon after the phone rang it was Newtown Square Police the friendly voice of Jim asking me to open the door. We gathered in the breakfast room as the news delivered did not make sense at first. My brother was a Jr. and my father had just passed the year prior, but they did not say Jr. Like a bolt of lightning it hit they realized "Jay" was a Jr. and the rest shall we say was a blur of phone calls, funeral homes. and family while trying to get the pieces to this puzzle sifted out as information was not forthcoming .To this very day I am either awake until 11:15 or wake up at 2 a.m. for those few moments and remember. This year has been bittersweet to say the least, so I bundled Jackie O up in her finest embroidered plaid coat and off we went to the cemetery . The night was still and the moon enshrouded in clouds as we sat in the cold and had quite a conversation with them all. I asked for a sign on this morning, little did I know it was to come.
The message appeared on my phone at 9:58 a.m., I froze while wondering if indeed this was some type of cruel joke. There it was in plain sight, now remember I have not had any contact with him in well over five month's which was not my doing. I dropped the phone, battery popping out it slid across the kitchen floor where frantically like a school girl I fumbled, regained composure and finally the phone rebooted. I opened the email it was from him wishing me a Merry Christmas and wondering how I was doing. The words were kind, sweet in true fashion my pet name lead off the email. I melted and thus began the tailspin. The entire bag of mixed emotions washed over me like Niagara Falls as I wondered, do I answer, what do I say and how do I say it so it does not come off wrong all went through my mind at warp factor speed. Captain James T. Kirk would have been astonished and no Scottie to bean me up. I would be lying like a rug if I did not say that I missed him. I was totally blindsided by this nightmare and tossed into quagmire of shit. We have a very deep history as I have explained in prior blogs. That "pookie" got me through some strange ass days in the previous month's.
I answered five different times all to be discarded as I hoped that my email back wouldn't be taken out of context. I inquired about how he was and what was going on and if he was o.k. and was it really him. The later being my first thought that had entered my mind besides why now? I chose not to go down that road, email was not the place for that and I was overjoyed that he reached out. I received a sweet reply that he was hanging in there like I was and that he would be in touch later. LATER is what killed me, would he come by, when would come by, would he call me, yes all of that shit as tears streamed down my face, the little girl in me popped out. So much for hangin tough ~ right? This will be for another day ~
The past month's for me have been one of soul searching as I have discovered many sidelined shall we say qualities about myself through the various people that I have connected with . I have been a guest on ABCNEWSNOW.com and have spoken in the radio blogsphere on many shows. I must own and keep it real as I do in my business world that is how I am true to whom I am and to my clients whom work with me. If one is not true than one cannot be true to others, and I make no promises.
I have learned patience, tolerance, forgiveness and have allowed myself to grieve for those whom I have not over the years. This valuable learning came through a very hard life lesson. Being the only standing member of a family is really bizarre. I had hoped upon my return to express this to him but that was not to be, within 24 hours my world crashed and burned. I cannot take it back, he stood by me every step of the way while giving up part of whom he is, but he allowed that to take place he made that sacrifice on his own. Each of us must atone for our actions, he needs to take ownership for his and find his integrity. My only wish is for me to be able to explain that to him.....and begin the healing and friendship that we have underneath it all
Now where is the damn Rock Salt???
I find humor here, my mother first slammed the door in the State Troopers face and then yelled at me as she thought I had received a ticket. Soon after the phone rang it was Newtown Square Police the friendly voice of Jim asking me to open the door. We gathered in the breakfast room as the news delivered did not make sense at first. My brother was a Jr. and my father had just passed the year prior, but they did not say Jr. Like a bolt of lightning it hit they realized "Jay" was a Jr. and the rest shall we say was a blur of phone calls, funeral homes. and family while trying to get the pieces to this puzzle sifted out as information was not forthcoming .To this very day I am either awake until 11:15 or wake up at 2 a.m. for those few moments and remember. This year has been bittersweet to say the least, so I bundled Jackie O up in her finest embroidered plaid coat and off we went to the cemetery . The night was still and the moon enshrouded in clouds as we sat in the cold and had quite a conversation with them all. I asked for a sign on this morning, little did I know it was to come.
The message appeared on my phone at 9:58 a.m., I froze while wondering if indeed this was some type of cruel joke. There it was in plain sight, now remember I have not had any contact with him in well over five month's which was not my doing. I dropped the phone, battery popping out it slid across the kitchen floor where frantically like a school girl I fumbled, regained composure and finally the phone rebooted. I opened the email it was from him wishing me a Merry Christmas and wondering how I was doing. The words were kind, sweet in true fashion my pet name lead off the email. I melted and thus began the tailspin. The entire bag of mixed emotions washed over me like Niagara Falls as I wondered, do I answer, what do I say and how do I say it so it does not come off wrong all went through my mind at warp factor speed. Captain James T. Kirk would have been astonished and no Scottie to bean me up. I would be lying like a rug if I did not say that I missed him. I was totally blindsided by this nightmare and tossed into quagmire of shit. We have a very deep history as I have explained in prior blogs. That "pookie" got me through some strange ass days in the previous month's.
I answered five different times all to be discarded as I hoped that my email back wouldn't be taken out of context. I inquired about how he was and what was going on and if he was o.k. and was it really him. The later being my first thought that had entered my mind besides why now? I chose not to go down that road, email was not the place for that and I was overjoyed that he reached out. I received a sweet reply that he was hanging in there like I was and that he would be in touch later. LATER is what killed me, would he come by, when would come by, would he call me, yes all of that shit as tears streamed down my face, the little girl in me popped out. So much for hangin tough ~ right? This will be for another day ~
The past month's for me have been one of soul searching as I have discovered many sidelined shall we say qualities about myself through the various people that I have connected with . I have been a guest on ABCNEWSNOW.com and have spoken in the radio blogsphere on many shows. I must own and keep it real as I do in my business world that is how I am true to whom I am and to my clients whom work with me. If one is not true than one cannot be true to others, and I make no promises.
I have learned patience, tolerance, forgiveness and have allowed myself to grieve for those whom I have not over the years. This valuable learning came through a very hard life lesson. Being the only standing member of a family is really bizarre. I had hoped upon my return to express this to him but that was not to be, within 24 hours my world crashed and burned. I cannot take it back, he stood by me every step of the way while giving up part of whom he is, but he allowed that to take place he made that sacrifice on his own. Each of us must atone for our actions, he needs to take ownership for his and find his integrity. My only wish is for me to be able to explain that to him.....and begin the healing and friendship that we have underneath it all
Now where is the damn Rock Salt???
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Enuff already
I sit in my office on this cool November day pondering much that has transpired over the past few month's and possibly the past year in my life. I am grateful for those whom have whethered this storm with me, as I face the final hurdle of this intrinsic web that has been weaved. I am still for the most part frustrated as each day passes it is driving me crazy to be honest !
Some may say I am bitter, trust me far from that, I am disappointed in the man that I fell head over heels in love with many years ago. We have changed, I don't even know him anymore to be honest maybe I actually never did, his sense of reality stymies even me. You see he became my co-dependant on some levels. I never wished to have a "yes" man I have to a degree learned why he did it, but maybe just possibly I wished him not to say "yes". Just once say no create the banter we used to have would I have gotten upset? Probably not, would I get over it ? Oh hell to the yes ~
Hard frigging lesson to learn when you love someone so completely and you have that trust even though it had been tested before one still hopes. The mere fact that one can look you dead in the eyes and lie just amazes me, the final deceit was about to come and one I am sure he has not even come to terms with as like most issues that have arisen in his life he runs ~ It is easier to leave carnage then to have to deal with it.. The mere fact of inviting someone to live in someone's elses home simply amazes me~ that is my violation, the rest well we will get through that easy enough . His compartments are crumbling like a ill-stacked deck of cards, I watch from afar to some degree humored of course, defeated no. He ran, more than a few need to understand that. The bed remains unslept in as I have not made it that far yet that hurdle for me will take some time that is the final violation that any woman could ever bare.
Maybe it is the pending holidays, a funny "anniversary" of sorts that would be tomorrow or the simple promise that this would be a special year with a entirely new beginning. Memories stream as I hear in the back of my mind the promises that were made and for not. The tenderness that I once knew is not there or is it? Oh I can see the eyes now just put them back in your heads ~I wish closure I am that kinda chic that needs to know, yes that is me the thousand question girl, he always said I asked to many! Well my father used to say if you don't know then ask so to me no question is off limits ~ Will I ever know? I don't think he can man-up, he cut off communication when he saw that the shit was about to hit the fan. Oh boy did the shit hit and it hit hard~ Run Forrest Run!
Funny just the other night I woke up to the smell of a cigarette ruminating from the office. I actually got up as it stirred me to that extent, yet he was not sitting in the chair in front of the computer with parts illuminating the screen, I would crawl into the other office chair where we would embark on the best brainstorming sessions ever! Possibly it was not even him as this house creaks and moans with smells of those whom have shared my life ~ I speak to them daily asking for a sign not knowing whom it would be of course. ....
Some may say I am bitter, trust me far from that, I am disappointed in the man that I fell head over heels in love with many years ago. We have changed, I don't even know him anymore to be honest maybe I actually never did, his sense of reality stymies even me. You see he became my co-dependant on some levels. I never wished to have a "yes" man I have to a degree learned why he did it, but maybe just possibly I wished him not to say "yes". Just once say no create the banter we used to have would I have gotten upset? Probably not, would I get over it ? Oh hell to the yes ~
Hard frigging lesson to learn when you love someone so completely and you have that trust even though it had been tested before one still hopes. The mere fact that one can look you dead in the eyes and lie just amazes me, the final deceit was about to come and one I am sure he has not even come to terms with as like most issues that have arisen in his life he runs ~ It is easier to leave carnage then to have to deal with it.. The mere fact of inviting someone to live in someone's elses home simply amazes me~ that is my violation, the rest well we will get through that easy enough . His compartments are crumbling like a ill-stacked deck of cards, I watch from afar to some degree humored of course, defeated no. He ran, more than a few need to understand that. The bed remains unslept in as I have not made it that far yet that hurdle for me will take some time that is the final violation that any woman could ever bare.
Maybe it is the pending holidays, a funny "anniversary" of sorts that would be tomorrow or the simple promise that this would be a special year with a entirely new beginning. Memories stream as I hear in the back of my mind the promises that were made and for not. The tenderness that I once knew is not there or is it? Oh I can see the eyes now just put them back in your heads ~I wish closure I am that kinda chic that needs to know, yes that is me the thousand question girl, he always said I asked to many! Well my father used to say if you don't know then ask so to me no question is off limits ~ Will I ever know? I don't think he can man-up, he cut off communication when he saw that the shit was about to hit the fan. Oh boy did the shit hit and it hit hard~ Run Forrest Run!
Funny just the other night I woke up to the smell of a cigarette ruminating from the office. I actually got up as it stirred me to that extent, yet he was not sitting in the chair in front of the computer with parts illuminating the screen, I would crawl into the other office chair where we would embark on the best brainstorming sessions ever! Possibly it was not even him as this house creaks and moans with smells of those whom have shared my life ~ I speak to them daily asking for a sign not knowing whom it would be of course. ....
Monday, October 11, 2010
Oh my !!
I was doing so well having no contact with him, the days seemed to go by endlessly even though in the back of my mind I knew I was not getting the closure I needed. Mail has been received which breaks my heart, not for me but for him. I am not the bad guy here yet at times I feel like I am and why I cannot answer that either. I like life, I have fun with life and with those whom I have around me. I have been fortunate to be afforded certain things and are they of value ? NO!! Not to me just fun items I have found along my way. Life is to be enjoyed and besides if you can't have a laugh at yourself then whom can you laugh at?
My issue is that there is no apology of what took place in my home, the total violation of ones being, the lose of items that were given to me and yes that betrayal. To this day I sleep on the sofa and that door remains closed. I can't go in as when I do it punches me in the stomach to think of what took place in my bedroom. To even imagine someone coming into my home, my sanctuary and "pretending" it is theirs. To change the address to mine, to assume you are me which of course you cannot nor ever will be. To go through my belongings to take them as if they are yours as well is just so totally vial. Yet they are fine with that , to play "pretend house" to actually believe that is O.K.? The total denial of not owning what one did is a mystery to me. There is so much to be returned that I wonder when this will end.
Today I did something out of character and I have no reason why, I was sitting at my desk and for some reason hit his phone number and texted him in my way to say a simple "Hi" then my pet name for him. It was only two very simple words to be honest. My phone dropped when it went through, I was shocked even stunned as I saw the "d" meaning that it was delivered come up . The wounds reopened immediately, the mere thought that there could be an adult conversation was thrilling to me but then the phone rang the ring tone that I had given to him and I froze not knowing what to say besides Hello... I did and the voice on the other end was not his, it was someone whom again was violating a space. ~ to which I began to laugh as I never intruded in his private space that is called TRUST. Of which I can see there is none there which even makes me laugh even harder.
TRUST, what a powerful word and to think I trusted this man with my life, the lies the deceit are overwhelming at best. My thoughts however still remain, what type of person does this and how can they look at themselves in the mirror on a daily basis? I am really stuck here at this point and as far as I thought I had come I guess I have not .............
My issue is that there is no apology of what took place in my home, the total violation of ones being, the lose of items that were given to me and yes that betrayal. To this day I sleep on the sofa and that door remains closed. I can't go in as when I do it punches me in the stomach to think of what took place in my bedroom. To even imagine someone coming into my home, my sanctuary and "pretending" it is theirs. To change the address to mine, to assume you are me which of course you cannot nor ever will be. To go through my belongings to take them as if they are yours as well is just so totally vial. Yet they are fine with that , to play "pretend house" to actually believe that is O.K.? The total denial of not owning what one did is a mystery to me. There is so much to be returned that I wonder when this will end.
Today I did something out of character and I have no reason why, I was sitting at my desk and for some reason hit his phone number and texted him in my way to say a simple "Hi" then my pet name for him. It was only two very simple words to be honest. My phone dropped when it went through, I was shocked even stunned as I saw the "d" meaning that it was delivered come up . The wounds reopened immediately, the mere thought that there could be an adult conversation was thrilling to me but then the phone rang the ring tone that I had given to him and I froze not knowing what to say besides Hello... I did and the voice on the other end was not his, it was someone whom again was violating a space. ~ to which I began to laugh as I never intruded in his private space that is called TRUST. Of which I can see there is none there which even makes me laugh even harder.
TRUST, what a powerful word and to think I trusted this man with my life, the lies the deceit are overwhelming at best. My thoughts however still remain, what type of person does this and how can they look at themselves in the mirror on a daily basis? I am really stuck here at this point and as far as I thought I had come I guess I have not .............
Monday, September 27, 2010
Silence
It has been awhile since I have written my blog, I write little notes to myself everyday on what has transpired or actually what has not Silence,odd as that word is one I relish most days while on other days I have come to loath it. It is not my choice mind you , it was created a little bit at a time over the course of few month's. First came the phone back in July as I waited to be picked up only to find out that no not today for this event that I had helped to plan. The answer ? 'I thought you didn't want to go ". The kick in the butt was when I called to confirm an order and was informed"oh yes Sarah was just here" no she was not I am on the phone. My identity had now become in jeopardy to an extent. The film fax was only the first of many clues ....on just how it would eventually take hold of my life. The lie had spun outof control , the month's of deceit . I was now alone trying to navigate a place I had not called home in a few month's. I was getting acclimated to my own surroundings but they were not mine anymore. They had been rearranged, packed even taken. To what level this I will never know and how much complicity is up for grabs as well.
he facts, the whys and the why nots in life. I ask a thousand questions, the last retort I wish to hear is that "I was lonely" or "you left me" So the lie was complete, the stage was set and the character actors took their positions but the closing scene took a very large piece of me. I want to know it all, the good the bad and the ugly and have to for me to go on. In many ways I have, each day that passes it does get easier.I am however left with items that trigger memories that leave me frozen in my place. To be honest,haven't slept in my bedroom for over a month and that door remains closed only to wonder when I will allow myself to go back. I can't it hurts to much to know, that a portion of my life was lived by someone else who came in and destroyed what was once treasured. To know how they masterminded the entire process is just amazing to me. What resonates in my head is the statement"I am happy" what does "happy" mean? To think that a person can shutdown so completely how do you give yourself to another? You can't as this chapter is far from closed.
Does it excite me to think that another person is not comfortable in their place? Of course I would be lying if I thought otherwise, they wiggle like a worm freshly minted on the end of a fishing hook. To delude ones self to actually think that this could be a competition is even more astounding My cards have been dealt ......
The last time was unannounced,I walked through my kitchen and watched him meander up the walk to the house. I froze, thoughts racing what should I do, this man who totally took my life threw it to the wind like a bird taking flight had indeed done it again. The look was foreign to me the emptiness of ones soul so devoid of any emotion took me by surprise. We spoke for the first time in over a month, I don't know if he understood the pain that the depth of his actions took as I could not understand the pain I had inflicted unknowingly on him. He never opened up until this day and even that was guarded. I opened the box and realized that each of us has a place in his life a compartment to be exact so one ever crosses over into the other one until now. He was afraid for the first time in his life and now I held that key. Silence has taken over once again..............
he facts, the whys and the why nots in life. I ask a thousand questions, the last retort I wish to hear is that "I was lonely" or "you left me" So the lie was complete, the stage was set and the character actors took their positions but the closing scene took a very large piece of me. I want to know it all, the good the bad and the ugly and have to for me to go on. In many ways I have, each day that passes it does get easier.I am however left with items that trigger memories that leave me frozen in my place. To be honest,haven't slept in my bedroom for over a month and that door remains closed only to wonder when I will allow myself to go back. I can't it hurts to much to know, that a portion of my life was lived by someone else who came in and destroyed what was once treasured. To know how they masterminded the entire process is just amazing to me. What resonates in my head is the statement"I am happy" what does "happy" mean? To think that a person can shutdown so completely how do you give yourself to another? You can't as this chapter is far from closed.
Does it excite me to think that another person is not comfortable in their place? Of course I would be lying if I thought otherwise, they wiggle like a worm freshly minted on the end of a fishing hook. To delude ones self to actually think that this could be a competition is even more astounding My cards have been dealt ......
The last time was unannounced,I walked through my kitchen and watched him meander up the walk to the house. I froze, thoughts racing what should I do, this man who totally took my life threw it to the wind like a bird taking flight had indeed done it again. The look was foreign to me the emptiness of ones soul so devoid of any emotion took me by surprise. We spoke for the first time in over a month, I don't know if he understood the pain that the depth of his actions took as I could not understand the pain I had inflicted unknowingly on him. He never opened up until this day and even that was guarded. I opened the box and realized that each of us has a place in his life a compartment to be exact so one ever crosses over into the other one until now. He was afraid for the first time in his life and now I held that key. Silence has taken over once again..............
Monday, September 13, 2010
Silence
It echos in my ears daily the noncommunciation is more than I can stand at times and I wonder why? The last time we spoke I had the pleasure of hearing the comment that will stay with me forever, "I think we are calling it quits" is this another trial run? To me that is like being almost pregnant how can one be that emotionally devoid as to not face what was created soley not by me. Not dealing with it emotionally is more to the case as I was told in the car before the gentle squeeze of the hand that showed me he still does care, the kiss he so gently gave and lingers on my lips to this day. How can one just go through life and leave such carnage? I am baffled by such lack of integrity as I walk the line every day and wonder what actually transpired in the house while I was not here. This is no longer mine, the treasure I once relished has been destroyed.
I open drawers, go through closets wondering if indeed was this gone through? The quest leads me down paths as I attempt to locate precious pieces that are no longer here. How can one be so callous? Granted they are material objects but they were given to me by him, it is the principal. My days are easier but the silence, the non-responsive attitude is what cuts deep to my inner core. The closeness, the secrets I once shared have been shattered like glass. Looking into the past I see the chess players and how they have been manipulated to fit into compartments so indeed no one got hurt, that did not happen this time. The lies, deceit, broken promises are all to painful as I begin to heal. My journey has begun, I can't live in the past.
The mantra of those close to me ask "would you take him back?" I stop dead in my tracks, tears well up in my eyes as the pain wafts over me once again. I grow silent and then stutter my answer as this is the hardest, of course not the man he has become or actually he always was? Hiding behind himself not really facing those demons that have laid dormant deep inside wounds that have never been given a chance to heal over the years prior to even me. I never wanted a "yes " man and that is what he became. The man that I had come to know had taken a painful detour. He protected me in everyway he possibly could, I leaned on him without even realizing what I was doing and there was not one person stopping me not even him. That alone is one that I have to struggle with daily as I cannot take that pain away, but I can lessen it by forgiveness.
Pandora's Box I used to say in our private moments to which brought a giggle and a twinkle of those hazel eyes as he knew just what I had spoken of. I wanted to be the one whom opened this box, the box he kept so closed up so protected that I do not believe he can even begin to open it or let anyone else in. My connection will never leave as it runs deep to the inner core that I do know and that will never be taken away by anyone in our lifetime....
I open drawers, go through closets wondering if indeed was this gone through? The quest leads me down paths as I attempt to locate precious pieces that are no longer here. How can one be so callous? Granted they are material objects but they were given to me by him, it is the principal. My days are easier but the silence, the non-responsive attitude is what cuts deep to my inner core. The closeness, the secrets I once shared have been shattered like glass. Looking into the past I see the chess players and how they have been manipulated to fit into compartments so indeed no one got hurt, that did not happen this time. The lies, deceit, broken promises are all to painful as I begin to heal. My journey has begun, I can't live in the past.
The mantra of those close to me ask "would you take him back?" I stop dead in my tracks, tears well up in my eyes as the pain wafts over me once again. I grow silent and then stutter my answer as this is the hardest, of course not the man he has become or actually he always was? Hiding behind himself not really facing those demons that have laid dormant deep inside wounds that have never been given a chance to heal over the years prior to even me. I never wanted a "yes " man and that is what he became. The man that I had come to know had taken a painful detour. He protected me in everyway he possibly could, I leaned on him without even realizing what I was doing and there was not one person stopping me not even him. That alone is one that I have to struggle with daily as I cannot take that pain away, but I can lessen it by forgiveness.
Pandora's Box I used to say in our private moments to which brought a giggle and a twinkle of those hazel eyes as he knew just what I had spoken of. I wanted to be the one whom opened this box, the box he kept so closed up so protected that I do not believe he can even begin to open it or let anyone else in. My connection will never leave as it runs deep to the inner core that I do know and that will never be taken away by anyone in our lifetime....
Monday, August 23, 2010
CALIENTE'
The days get a bit easier as I take care of the collateral damage that has been done. Still amazed at the level of unresponsiveness, it is not shown when we are face to face. The nonexistent emotion, the blank face that sat across from me not to long ago is one that I have never seen. A glimmer of sorrow ran down his face as he knows the level of pain he created. The man can be cunning, he has run from so much over the course of his life he left shallow graves. They lie empty, to some degree the only thing in them are the feelings that were left behind. I don't know this man anymore, this is not the man who walked by my side, held my hand and caressed me for hours on end when I lost my mother. The level of pain is deep and widens every day as does the distance. I should consider myself lucky as the man I knew will never be there for anyone as completely as he was for me. That I do know, that no one will ever have him the way I did and probably still do. Odd is it not? The webs we weave in our lives are such an intricate pattern until they cross.
The raw pain hangs like dew on the morning leaves. The droplets linger there until the sun washes them away only to reappear the next morning. So this cycle continues, much like a faceted gemstone. Each side showing a different sparkle in the way our lives will always be interconnected. Is this a way back into my life? After the game gets played out again and the thrill is no longer there anymore, or as he put it a "fatal attraction". I have seen this before but now never again will I allow myself to be so exposed. The violation is to deep and scar will remain in my heart forever.
Caliente' a song that will forever burn in my heart, we listened to it everynight a 7 p.m., no matter where we were we knew, it was our song. If I heard it during the daytime hours I would just stop and remember when it became ours.
The night was magical in every sense of the word. The tenderness, the long kisses and raw intimacy we shared was incredible under the full moon . There is not a single person on this earth whom will ever share that with him and that I do know.......
The raw pain hangs like dew on the morning leaves. The droplets linger there until the sun washes them away only to reappear the next morning. So this cycle continues, much like a faceted gemstone. Each side showing a different sparkle in the way our lives will always be interconnected. Is this a way back into my life? After the game gets played out again and the thrill is no longer there anymore, or as he put it a "fatal attraction". I have seen this before but now never again will I allow myself to be so exposed. The violation is to deep and scar will remain in my heart forever.
Caliente' a song that will forever burn in my heart, we listened to it everynight a 7 p.m., no matter where we were we knew, it was our song. If I heard it during the daytime hours I would just stop and remember when it became ours.
The night was magical in every sense of the word. The tenderness, the long kisses and raw intimacy we shared was incredible under the full moon . There is not a single person on this earth whom will ever share that with him and that I do know.......
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