It has been awhile since I have written my blog, I write little notes to myself everyday on what has transpired or actually what has not Silence,odd as that word is one I relish most days while on other days I have come to loath it. It is not my choice mind you , it was created a little bit at a time over the course of few month's. First came the phone back in July as I waited to be picked up only to find out that no not today for this event that I had helped to plan. The answer ? 'I thought you didn't want to go ". The kick in the butt was when I called to confirm an order and was informed"oh yes Sarah was just here" no she was not I am on the phone. My identity had now become in jeopardy to an extent. The film fax was only the first of many clues ....on just how it would eventually take hold of my life. The lie had spun outof control , the month's of deceit . I was now alone trying to navigate a place I had not called home in a few month's. I was getting acclimated to my own surroundings but they were not mine anymore. They had been rearranged, packed even taken. To what level this I will never know and how much complicity is up for grabs as well.
he facts, the whys and the why nots in life. I ask a thousand questions, the last retort I wish to hear is that "I was lonely" or "you left me" So the lie was complete, the stage was set and the character actors took their positions but the closing scene took a very large piece of me. I want to know it all, the good the bad and the ugly and have to for me to go on. In many ways I have, each day that passes it does get easier.I am however left with items that trigger memories that leave me frozen in my place. To be honest,haven't slept in my bedroom for over a month and that door remains closed only to wonder when I will allow myself to go back. I can't it hurts to much to know, that a portion of my life was lived by someone else who came in and destroyed what was once treasured. To know how they masterminded the entire process is just amazing to me. What resonates in my head is the statement"I am happy" what does "happy" mean? To think that a person can shutdown so completely how do you give yourself to another? You can't as this chapter is far from closed.
Does it excite me to think that another person is not comfortable in their place? Of course I would be lying if I thought otherwise, they wiggle like a worm freshly minted on the end of a fishing hook. To delude ones self to actually think that this could be a competition is even more astounding My cards have been dealt ......
The last time was unannounced,I walked through my kitchen and watched him meander up the walk to the house. I froze, thoughts racing what should I do, this man who totally took my life threw it to the wind like a bird taking flight had indeed done it again. The look was foreign to me the emptiness of ones soul so devoid of any emotion took me by surprise. We spoke for the first time in over a month, I don't know if he understood the pain that the depth of his actions took as I could not understand the pain I had inflicted unknowingly on him. He never opened up until this day and even that was guarded. I opened the box and realized that each of us has a place in his life a compartment to be exact so one ever crosses over into the other one until now. He was afraid for the first time in his life and now I held that key. Silence has taken over once again..............
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Silence
It echos in my ears daily the noncommunciation is more than I can stand at times and I wonder why? The last time we spoke I had the pleasure of hearing the comment that will stay with me forever, "I think we are calling it quits" is this another trial run? To me that is like being almost pregnant how can one be that emotionally devoid as to not face what was created soley not by me. Not dealing with it emotionally is more to the case as I was told in the car before the gentle squeeze of the hand that showed me he still does care, the kiss he so gently gave and lingers on my lips to this day. How can one just go through life and leave such carnage? I am baffled by such lack of integrity as I walk the line every day and wonder what actually transpired in the house while I was not here. This is no longer mine, the treasure I once relished has been destroyed.
I open drawers, go through closets wondering if indeed was this gone through? The quest leads me down paths as I attempt to locate precious pieces that are no longer here. How can one be so callous? Granted they are material objects but they were given to me by him, it is the principal. My days are easier but the silence, the non-responsive attitude is what cuts deep to my inner core. The closeness, the secrets I once shared have been shattered like glass. Looking into the past I see the chess players and how they have been manipulated to fit into compartments so indeed no one got hurt, that did not happen this time. The lies, deceit, broken promises are all to painful as I begin to heal. My journey has begun, I can't live in the past.
The mantra of those close to me ask "would you take him back?" I stop dead in my tracks, tears well up in my eyes as the pain wafts over me once again. I grow silent and then stutter my answer as this is the hardest, of course not the man he has become or actually he always was? Hiding behind himself not really facing those demons that have laid dormant deep inside wounds that have never been given a chance to heal over the years prior to even me. I never wanted a "yes " man and that is what he became. The man that I had come to know had taken a painful detour. He protected me in everyway he possibly could, I leaned on him without even realizing what I was doing and there was not one person stopping me not even him. That alone is one that I have to struggle with daily as I cannot take that pain away, but I can lessen it by forgiveness.
Pandora's Box I used to say in our private moments to which brought a giggle and a twinkle of those hazel eyes as he knew just what I had spoken of. I wanted to be the one whom opened this box, the box he kept so closed up so protected that I do not believe he can even begin to open it or let anyone else in. My connection will never leave as it runs deep to the inner core that I do know and that will never be taken away by anyone in our lifetime....
I open drawers, go through closets wondering if indeed was this gone through? The quest leads me down paths as I attempt to locate precious pieces that are no longer here. How can one be so callous? Granted they are material objects but they were given to me by him, it is the principal. My days are easier but the silence, the non-responsive attitude is what cuts deep to my inner core. The closeness, the secrets I once shared have been shattered like glass. Looking into the past I see the chess players and how they have been manipulated to fit into compartments so indeed no one got hurt, that did not happen this time. The lies, deceit, broken promises are all to painful as I begin to heal. My journey has begun, I can't live in the past.
The mantra of those close to me ask "would you take him back?" I stop dead in my tracks, tears well up in my eyes as the pain wafts over me once again. I grow silent and then stutter my answer as this is the hardest, of course not the man he has become or actually he always was? Hiding behind himself not really facing those demons that have laid dormant deep inside wounds that have never been given a chance to heal over the years prior to even me. I never wanted a "yes " man and that is what he became. The man that I had come to know had taken a painful detour. He protected me in everyway he possibly could, I leaned on him without even realizing what I was doing and there was not one person stopping me not even him. That alone is one that I have to struggle with daily as I cannot take that pain away, but I can lessen it by forgiveness.
Pandora's Box I used to say in our private moments to which brought a giggle and a twinkle of those hazel eyes as he knew just what I had spoken of. I wanted to be the one whom opened this box, the box he kept so closed up so protected that I do not believe he can even begin to open it or let anyone else in. My connection will never leave as it runs deep to the inner core that I do know and that will never be taken away by anyone in our lifetime....
Monday, August 23, 2010
CALIENTE'
The days get a bit easier as I take care of the collateral damage that has been done. Still amazed at the level of unresponsiveness, it is not shown when we are face to face. The nonexistent emotion, the blank face that sat across from me not to long ago is one that I have never seen. A glimmer of sorrow ran down his face as he knows the level of pain he created. The man can be cunning, he has run from so much over the course of his life he left shallow graves. They lie empty, to some degree the only thing in them are the feelings that were left behind. I don't know this man anymore, this is not the man who walked by my side, held my hand and caressed me for hours on end when I lost my mother. The level of pain is deep and widens every day as does the distance. I should consider myself lucky as the man I knew will never be there for anyone as completely as he was for me. That I do know, that no one will ever have him the way I did and probably still do. Odd is it not? The webs we weave in our lives are such an intricate pattern until they cross.
The raw pain hangs like dew on the morning leaves. The droplets linger there until the sun washes them away only to reappear the next morning. So this cycle continues, much like a faceted gemstone. Each side showing a different sparkle in the way our lives will always be interconnected. Is this a way back into my life? After the game gets played out again and the thrill is no longer there anymore, or as he put it a "fatal attraction". I have seen this before but now never again will I allow myself to be so exposed. The violation is to deep and scar will remain in my heart forever.
Caliente' a song that will forever burn in my heart, we listened to it everynight a 7 p.m., no matter where we were we knew, it was our song. If I heard it during the daytime hours I would just stop and remember when it became ours.
The night was magical in every sense of the word. The tenderness, the long kisses and raw intimacy we shared was incredible under the full moon . There is not a single person on this earth whom will ever share that with him and that I do know.......
The raw pain hangs like dew on the morning leaves. The droplets linger there until the sun washes them away only to reappear the next morning. So this cycle continues, much like a faceted gemstone. Each side showing a different sparkle in the way our lives will always be interconnected. Is this a way back into my life? After the game gets played out again and the thrill is no longer there anymore, or as he put it a "fatal attraction". I have seen this before but now never again will I allow myself to be so exposed. The violation is to deep and scar will remain in my heart forever.
Caliente' a song that will forever burn in my heart, we listened to it everynight a 7 p.m., no matter where we were we knew, it was our song. If I heard it during the daytime hours I would just stop and remember when it became ours.
The night was magical in every sense of the word. The tenderness, the long kisses and raw intimacy we shared was incredible under the full moon . There is not a single person on this earth whom will ever share that with him and that I do know.......
Friday, August 13, 2010
A Defining Moment ~~
The calls started to come in around 10:00 that morning, the day and time a total mystery to me now as I write of a day that I will certainly never forget. It is blazoned in my mind like yesterday, it was a warm spring day I do remember that, but my life was about to begin a very new chapter, again.
It was Gary, coherent one minute, incoherent the next, the calls totaled 4 in all as I knew that something was amiss. First I had to call an ambulance then secure my store and get to him. I arrived right behind the ambulance crew, I watched helplessly as they took him out on a stretcher,not knowing what was going on or how could I help. The hospital, a sea of personnel bombarding me with questions that I could not answer at the time. All I remember now was him monitored and helpless, lying on a gurney with no reaction at all. This was my defining moment. Gary had been going through a stroke as I later came to find out and my day was a wash of paperwork,doctors and a lonely waiting room. Gary was only 38 years of age. How could this be happening, I furiously made phone calls to my mom, his sister and his parents whom were not in town at the time. I was to go this mission alone today.
The stroke was severe and brought total devastation to a man whom had been so full of life only days prior. Gary lay in acoma for days while I decided with the guidance of doctors what the next game plan was to be if there was to even be a game plan at this point. I sat with him day in and day out, talking to him, reading, holding his hands and praying. My days were just that days, that turned into weeks that turned into month's as I was now thrown full force into a system that had no idea of how to handle a young adult. I was overwhelmed by it all and took it in stride. At the advice of one of his doctor's whom I still see today we had a feeding tube inserted, the reasoning behind that at that time was with hope that the nutrition would juggle the brain and bring him back to the world hopefully as he once knew it. I was now "in the health care system", fighting for a life that had no voice except for mine. Each day brought a new battle, some I won, some I did not but I learned and soaked up all the information I could possibly get.
My support system was strong and he weathered it with me day in and day out. I received a phone call each morning and each night, just to see how I was and what the next move would be. I treasured those calls and the coffee dates we had made,he was my rock, this tender yet cunning man was now so ingrained in my life it was second nature for me to call him. He would stop by my store or the house, I would find cards or a message posted on my back door that simply stated,"Thinking of You". After a hard day that always brought a smile to my face as my battle had only just begun, this was the tip of the iceberg as I was about to plunge even deeper into an abyss that would rock my foundation even more..................
It was Gary, coherent one minute, incoherent the next, the calls totaled 4 in all as I knew that something was amiss. First I had to call an ambulance then secure my store and get to him. I arrived right behind the ambulance crew, I watched helplessly as they took him out on a stretcher,not knowing what was going on or how could I help. The hospital, a sea of personnel bombarding me with questions that I could not answer at the time. All I remember now was him monitored and helpless, lying on a gurney with no reaction at all. This was my defining moment. Gary had been going through a stroke as I later came to find out and my day was a wash of paperwork,doctors and a lonely waiting room. Gary was only 38 years of age. How could this be happening, I furiously made phone calls to my mom, his sister and his parents whom were not in town at the time. I was to go this mission alone today.
The stroke was severe and brought total devastation to a man whom had been so full of life only days prior. Gary lay in acoma for days while I decided with the guidance of doctors what the next game plan was to be if there was to even be a game plan at this point. I sat with him day in and day out, talking to him, reading, holding his hands and praying. My days were just that days, that turned into weeks that turned into month's as I was now thrown full force into a system that had no idea of how to handle a young adult. I was overwhelmed by it all and took it in stride. At the advice of one of his doctor's whom I still see today we had a feeding tube inserted, the reasoning behind that at that time was with hope that the nutrition would juggle the brain and bring him back to the world hopefully as he once knew it. I was now "in the health care system", fighting for a life that had no voice except for mine. Each day brought a new battle, some I won, some I did not but I learned and soaked up all the information I could possibly get.
My support system was strong and he weathered it with me day in and day out. I received a phone call each morning and each night, just to see how I was and what the next move would be. I treasured those calls and the coffee dates we had made,he was my rock, this tender yet cunning man was now so ingrained in my life it was second nature for me to call him. He would stop by my store or the house, I would find cards or a message posted on my back door that simply stated,"Thinking of You". After a hard day that always brought a smile to my face as my battle had only just begun, this was the tip of the iceberg as I was about to plunge even deeper into an abyss that would rock my foundation even more..................
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Bear~~
I sat on the hill in the early morning hours,looking over at the mountain range and thought of my grandfather, what he would say to me . One can only imagine and I can't apologize to him as that is not for me to do at all. I sat and spoke with him in the cool morning breezes with the sun at my back and cried. Cried like I never have before and likely never will again, it was raw and deep. Looking up into that mountain range in front of me I could see his face looking down. One can only imagine what he was trying to convey as today was to be like no other I will ever have again in my life.
Bear~ the nickname has a funny story to it as does mine they go hand in hand ~ he is a bear, not to big, cuddly yet so tender and venerable, that is what makes it so hard on many levels. To witness that and see a person so torn up inside to the point that I can't touch the pain, it devastates me for I played that hand. A shimmering glimpse of the warmness came through if only for a moment, it eased my soul The pain fiercely immense for myself, resembles death of which I have experienced so many times that I have come to understand it. Personally, I would have rather been raped, allowing me to face it then only to be whisked away, but that will not happen. Strangely unique metaphor but a true one for me at least, one that you will come to understand..
Over the years it became customary to acquire a bear, whether a holiday, cherished moment or just because it was always my highlight. Which moment in time will he remember and surprise me, whether big or small they all tell a story ~ I treasure each one of them as they continue the memories that bring a smile or simple grin to myself as these are our memories, ones that no one can ruin or taint. My favorite bear? The Tuxedo bear, he sits with me now as I remember as if it was yesterday....... the evening was a gift, a promise kept of a Red Dress and a Man in a Tuxedo.......with a Rose ............
Bear~ the nickname has a funny story to it as does mine they go hand in hand ~ he is a bear, not to big, cuddly yet so tender and venerable, that is what makes it so hard on many levels. To witness that and see a person so torn up inside to the point that I can't touch the pain, it devastates me for I played that hand. A shimmering glimpse of the warmness came through if only for a moment, it eased my soul The pain fiercely immense for myself, resembles death of which I have experienced so many times that I have come to understand it. Personally, I would have rather been raped, allowing me to face it then only to be whisked away, but that will not happen. Strangely unique metaphor but a true one for me at least, one that you will come to understand..
Over the years it became customary to acquire a bear, whether a holiday, cherished moment or just because it was always my highlight. Which moment in time will he remember and surprise me, whether big or small they all tell a story ~ I treasure each one of them as they continue the memories that bring a smile or simple grin to myself as these are our memories, ones that no one can ruin or taint. My favorite bear? The Tuxedo bear, he sits with me now as I remember as if it was yesterday....... the evening was a gift, a promise kept of a Red Dress and a Man in a Tuxedo.......with a Rose ............
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
HOUDINI?
I find the early morning hours to be the hardest for me. My schedule is so regimented that to even have the slightest upset sets my world upside down. I awake at 3:00 a.m. make coffee, hit the computer to send out emails and follow up on others,then get ready to train or get myself set to do a round of cardio depending on the day of the week. However there is a piece missing ...........
How does one disappear from one's life in the matter of hours, days even weeks? To walk away to some degree while not thoroughly looking at the carnage one has left behind, but has he actually left it behind? That is my question that burns in the back of my mind every second of every day, try as I might to push it down and out of my head. The clothes are here, mail still arrives daily, the family pictures of his children and grandchildren line the walls and of course the scent of him lingers on. Silly, I sleep in his shirts and place my head on a stuffed bear that was given to me. In some ways it helps me even if for only a few hours of the night.
I wonder at times if he has driven by to "scope" out the house and see when the time may be right to stop by and pick up whatever he can, thinking all along that someone may not be here. Each night after letting the dog out I look and say, "Sleep with the Angels" why? That I cannot answer, some may call me crazy but to be hateful and vindictive is just not my style! FLAMETHROWER? Trust me that did cross my mind as I laugh at this very moment just thinking about the self-satisfaction I would get by burning everything in site . In the end that is way to much work and takes me away from my passion, my life and what I do best . Oh granted, there are many unanswered questions and I may never get those answers. Try as I might, the hold is still here on many levels and that also fascinates me, along with the confusion.................... The fat lady has not sung her song and my story continues .....and this is only a snippet of what is to come
How does one disappear from one's life in the matter of hours, days even weeks? To walk away to some degree while not thoroughly looking at the carnage one has left behind, but has he actually left it behind? That is my question that burns in the back of my mind every second of every day, try as I might to push it down and out of my head. The clothes are here, mail still arrives daily, the family pictures of his children and grandchildren line the walls and of course the scent of him lingers on. Silly, I sleep in his shirts and place my head on a stuffed bear that was given to me. In some ways it helps me even if for only a few hours of the night.
I wonder at times if he has driven by to "scope" out the house and see when the time may be right to stop by and pick up whatever he can, thinking all along that someone may not be here. Each night after letting the dog out I look and say, "Sleep with the Angels" why? That I cannot answer, some may call me crazy but to be hateful and vindictive is just not my style! FLAMETHROWER? Trust me that did cross my mind as I laugh at this very moment just thinking about the self-satisfaction I would get by burning everything in site . In the end that is way to much work and takes me away from my passion, my life and what I do best . Oh granted, there are many unanswered questions and I may never get those answers. Try as I might, the hold is still here on many levels and that also fascinates me, along with the confusion.................... The fat lady has not sung her song and my story continues .....and this is only a snippet of what is to come
Monday, July 26, 2010
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