The days get a bit easier as I take care of the collateral damage that has been done. Still amazed at the level of unresponsiveness, it is not shown when we are face to face. The nonexistent emotion, the blank face that sat across from me not to long ago is one that I have never seen. A glimmer of sorrow ran down his face as he knows the level of pain he created. The man can be cunning, he has run from so much over the course of his life he left shallow graves. They lie empty, to some degree the only thing in them are the feelings that were left behind. I don't know this man anymore, this is not the man who walked by my side, held my hand and caressed me for hours on end when I lost my mother. The level of pain is deep and widens every day as does the distance. I should consider myself lucky as the man I knew will never be there for anyone as completely as he was for me. That I do know, that no one will ever have him the way I did and probably still do. Odd is it not? The webs we weave in our lives are such an intricate pattern until they cross.
The raw pain hangs like dew on the morning leaves. The droplets linger there until the sun washes them away only to reappear the next morning. So this cycle continues, much like a faceted gemstone. Each side showing a different sparkle in the way our lives will always be interconnected. Is this a way back into my life? After the game gets played out again and the thrill is no longer there anymore, or as he put it a "fatal attraction". I have seen this before but now never again will I allow myself to be so exposed. The violation is to deep and scar will remain in my heart forever.
Caliente' a song that will forever burn in my heart, we listened to it everynight a 7 p.m., no matter where we were we knew, it was our song. If I heard it during the daytime hours I would just stop and remember when it became ours.
The night was magical in every sense of the word. The tenderness, the long kisses and raw intimacy we shared was incredible under the full moon . There is not a single person on this earth whom will ever share that with him and that I do know.......
Monday, August 23, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
A Defining Moment ~~
The calls started to come in around 10:00 that morning, the day and time a total mystery to me now as I write of a day that I will certainly never forget. It is blazoned in my mind like yesterday, it was a warm spring day I do remember that, but my life was about to begin a very new chapter, again.
It was Gary, coherent one minute, incoherent the next, the calls totaled 4 in all as I knew that something was amiss. First I had to call an ambulance then secure my store and get to him. I arrived right behind the ambulance crew, I watched helplessly as they took him out on a stretcher,not knowing what was going on or how could I help. The hospital, a sea of personnel bombarding me with questions that I could not answer at the time. All I remember now was him monitored and helpless, lying on a gurney with no reaction at all. This was my defining moment. Gary had been going through a stroke as I later came to find out and my day was a wash of paperwork,doctors and a lonely waiting room. Gary was only 38 years of age. How could this be happening, I furiously made phone calls to my mom, his sister and his parents whom were not in town at the time. I was to go this mission alone today.
The stroke was severe and brought total devastation to a man whom had been so full of life only days prior. Gary lay in acoma for days while I decided with the guidance of doctors what the next game plan was to be if there was to even be a game plan at this point. I sat with him day in and day out, talking to him, reading, holding his hands and praying. My days were just that days, that turned into weeks that turned into month's as I was now thrown full force into a system that had no idea of how to handle a young adult. I was overwhelmed by it all and took it in stride. At the advice of one of his doctor's whom I still see today we had a feeding tube inserted, the reasoning behind that at that time was with hope that the nutrition would juggle the brain and bring him back to the world hopefully as he once knew it. I was now "in the health care system", fighting for a life that had no voice except for mine. Each day brought a new battle, some I won, some I did not but I learned and soaked up all the information I could possibly get.
My support system was strong and he weathered it with me day in and day out. I received a phone call each morning and each night, just to see how I was and what the next move would be. I treasured those calls and the coffee dates we had made,he was my rock, this tender yet cunning man was now so ingrained in my life it was second nature for me to call him. He would stop by my store or the house, I would find cards or a message posted on my back door that simply stated,"Thinking of You". After a hard day that always brought a smile to my face as my battle had only just begun, this was the tip of the iceberg as I was about to plunge even deeper into an abyss that would rock my foundation even more..................
It was Gary, coherent one minute, incoherent the next, the calls totaled 4 in all as I knew that something was amiss. First I had to call an ambulance then secure my store and get to him. I arrived right behind the ambulance crew, I watched helplessly as they took him out on a stretcher,not knowing what was going on or how could I help. The hospital, a sea of personnel bombarding me with questions that I could not answer at the time. All I remember now was him monitored and helpless, lying on a gurney with no reaction at all. This was my defining moment. Gary had been going through a stroke as I later came to find out and my day was a wash of paperwork,doctors and a lonely waiting room. Gary was only 38 years of age. How could this be happening, I furiously made phone calls to my mom, his sister and his parents whom were not in town at the time. I was to go this mission alone today.
The stroke was severe and brought total devastation to a man whom had been so full of life only days prior. Gary lay in acoma for days while I decided with the guidance of doctors what the next game plan was to be if there was to even be a game plan at this point. I sat with him day in and day out, talking to him, reading, holding his hands and praying. My days were just that days, that turned into weeks that turned into month's as I was now thrown full force into a system that had no idea of how to handle a young adult. I was overwhelmed by it all and took it in stride. At the advice of one of his doctor's whom I still see today we had a feeding tube inserted, the reasoning behind that at that time was with hope that the nutrition would juggle the brain and bring him back to the world hopefully as he once knew it. I was now "in the health care system", fighting for a life that had no voice except for mine. Each day brought a new battle, some I won, some I did not but I learned and soaked up all the information I could possibly get.
My support system was strong and he weathered it with me day in and day out. I received a phone call each morning and each night, just to see how I was and what the next move would be. I treasured those calls and the coffee dates we had made,he was my rock, this tender yet cunning man was now so ingrained in my life it was second nature for me to call him. He would stop by my store or the house, I would find cards or a message posted on my back door that simply stated,"Thinking of You". After a hard day that always brought a smile to my face as my battle had only just begun, this was the tip of the iceberg as I was about to plunge even deeper into an abyss that would rock my foundation even more..................
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Bear~~
I sat on the hill in the early morning hours,looking over at the mountain range and thought of my grandfather, what he would say to me . One can only imagine and I can't apologize to him as that is not for me to do at all. I sat and spoke with him in the cool morning breezes with the sun at my back and cried. Cried like I never have before and likely never will again, it was raw and deep. Looking up into that mountain range in front of me I could see his face looking down. One can only imagine what he was trying to convey as today was to be like no other I will ever have again in my life.
Bear~ the nickname has a funny story to it as does mine they go hand in hand ~ he is a bear, not to big, cuddly yet so tender and venerable, that is what makes it so hard on many levels. To witness that and see a person so torn up inside to the point that I can't touch the pain, it devastates me for I played that hand. A shimmering glimpse of the warmness came through if only for a moment, it eased my soul The pain fiercely immense for myself, resembles death of which I have experienced so many times that I have come to understand it. Personally, I would have rather been raped, allowing me to face it then only to be whisked away, but that will not happen. Strangely unique metaphor but a true one for me at least, one that you will come to understand..
Over the years it became customary to acquire a bear, whether a holiday, cherished moment or just because it was always my highlight. Which moment in time will he remember and surprise me, whether big or small they all tell a story ~ I treasure each one of them as they continue the memories that bring a smile or simple grin to myself as these are our memories, ones that no one can ruin or taint. My favorite bear? The Tuxedo bear, he sits with me now as I remember as if it was yesterday....... the evening was a gift, a promise kept of a Red Dress and a Man in a Tuxedo.......with a Rose ............
Bear~ the nickname has a funny story to it as does mine they go hand in hand ~ he is a bear, not to big, cuddly yet so tender and venerable, that is what makes it so hard on many levels. To witness that and see a person so torn up inside to the point that I can't touch the pain, it devastates me for I played that hand. A shimmering glimpse of the warmness came through if only for a moment, it eased my soul The pain fiercely immense for myself, resembles death of which I have experienced so many times that I have come to understand it. Personally, I would have rather been raped, allowing me to face it then only to be whisked away, but that will not happen. Strangely unique metaphor but a true one for me at least, one that you will come to understand..
Over the years it became customary to acquire a bear, whether a holiday, cherished moment or just because it was always my highlight. Which moment in time will he remember and surprise me, whether big or small they all tell a story ~ I treasure each one of them as they continue the memories that bring a smile or simple grin to myself as these are our memories, ones that no one can ruin or taint. My favorite bear? The Tuxedo bear, he sits with me now as I remember as if it was yesterday....... the evening was a gift, a promise kept of a Red Dress and a Man in a Tuxedo.......with a Rose ............
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
HOUDINI?
I find the early morning hours to be the hardest for me. My schedule is so regimented that to even have the slightest upset sets my world upside down. I awake at 3:00 a.m. make coffee, hit the computer to send out emails and follow up on others,then get ready to train or get myself set to do a round of cardio depending on the day of the week. However there is a piece missing ...........
How does one disappear from one's life in the matter of hours, days even weeks? To walk away to some degree while not thoroughly looking at the carnage one has left behind, but has he actually left it behind? That is my question that burns in the back of my mind every second of every day, try as I might to push it down and out of my head. The clothes are here, mail still arrives daily, the family pictures of his children and grandchildren line the walls and of course the scent of him lingers on. Silly, I sleep in his shirts and place my head on a stuffed bear that was given to me. In some ways it helps me even if for only a few hours of the night.
I wonder at times if he has driven by to "scope" out the house and see when the time may be right to stop by and pick up whatever he can, thinking all along that someone may not be here. Each night after letting the dog out I look and say, "Sleep with the Angels" why? That I cannot answer, some may call me crazy but to be hateful and vindictive is just not my style! FLAMETHROWER? Trust me that did cross my mind as I laugh at this very moment just thinking about the self-satisfaction I would get by burning everything in site . In the end that is way to much work and takes me away from my passion, my life and what I do best . Oh granted, there are many unanswered questions and I may never get those answers. Try as I might, the hold is still here on many levels and that also fascinates me, along with the confusion.................... The fat lady has not sung her song and my story continues .....and this is only a snippet of what is to come
How does one disappear from one's life in the matter of hours, days even weeks? To walk away to some degree while not thoroughly looking at the carnage one has left behind, but has he actually left it behind? That is my question that burns in the back of my mind every second of every day, try as I might to push it down and out of my head. The clothes are here, mail still arrives daily, the family pictures of his children and grandchildren line the walls and of course the scent of him lingers on. Silly, I sleep in his shirts and place my head on a stuffed bear that was given to me. In some ways it helps me even if for only a few hours of the night.
I wonder at times if he has driven by to "scope" out the house and see when the time may be right to stop by and pick up whatever he can, thinking all along that someone may not be here. Each night after letting the dog out I look and say, "Sleep with the Angels" why? That I cannot answer, some may call me crazy but to be hateful and vindictive is just not my style! FLAMETHROWER? Trust me that did cross my mind as I laugh at this very moment just thinking about the self-satisfaction I would get by burning everything in site . In the end that is way to much work and takes me away from my passion, my life and what I do best . Oh granted, there are many unanswered questions and I may never get those answers. Try as I might, the hold is still here on many levels and that also fascinates me, along with the confusion.................... The fat lady has not sung her song and my story continues .....and this is only a snippet of what is to come
Monday, July 26, 2010
ReWind!
We tend to gravitate towards our fathers so I have been told and in a way that person was dead on. My spousal equivalent is like my father to a degree. So that is why I am rewinding this so you have a better knowledge of myself and my family.
I was raised in an upper middle class family in Delaware County, I have an older brother, Jay or John Edward whom has since passed . My mother had her own career and my father was a self -made man in the Navy, I am a Captain's daughter. If I wanted it I got it no questions asked .
I could do no wrong in his eyes, the pretty blond with blue eyes with the name of Sarah Beth. He coddled me when he was home and sent gifts from afar when he was not. I relished the moments I danced on his feet as a child to Friday's with Frank Sinatra . They were special times, and ones that I will never forget. In our household my mother's parents also lived with us, the house was large enough to accomandate them. My grandfather on the maternal side was a retired Lt. Commander in the Army , my grandmother a socialite. They hailed from Boston as I summered every year on the Cape. I was a latch-key kid before it was cool! I came home most days as a child to them and if they were traveling then I went to a girlfriends house until mom could pick me up. It was a dream childhood but now that I look back, one with an undertone. One that I would eventually find out about as I grew older. That is my paternal side,you see as I have not even touched on that yet. But all in all my life was good! Hey I was a kid what did I know! I had the best of all worlds here ~ traveled with my parents and grandparents when Jay and I could and then headed up to where I live now to stay there for a week or two. Let me tell you I disliked it intensely my Pop-Pop was my salvation .. Which is so for another day on how I got here and why I stayed ~ Now it is time for me to go and continue on my path elsewhere .
Growing up was superb by every stretch of the imagination a child could have. We had the family life, Sunday dinners, watching gladiator movies on a local station out of Philadelphia Channel 48 with Bernie Herman and CBS Sports with Jim McKay. We were members of the Pennsylvania Ballet, the Philadelphia Orchestra , lunches and fashion shows at what is now WHOLEFOODS in Wynnwood but used to be called Stouffers. Shopping at Lord and Taylor in Bala Cynwyd and then High Tea at the Birdcage at 3:00 p.m. and yes I wore white gloves ! I went to a public elementary school and hung out with my friends after school. No real bells and whistles here . I went on to Charles E Ellis School for Girls then Harcum Junior College only to wrap up my educational years at Philadelphia College of Textiles and Science .We were a family but being ten years younger than my brother what did I know ~ I was protected in everyway possible . As I grew up I knew that something was amiss , the pieces where just not fitting to a degree . Then it came crashing down I think, my mind is fuzzy here but I remember the players well like yesterday it was when I was 16 years old.
My paternal grandparents are from a very small town located in Berks County, Hamburg, one that faces at this time economic strife of all proportions to be honest. I called it Dutchland and remember the dialect well, it is very rare that you hear "dutchy" being spoken . My grandfather was my bud, you see my maternal grandparents died when I was younger so Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom were all I had at the time . I loved Pop-Pop he was my rock and stood by a woman whom he would never have children by nor was he allowed to adopt my father. TWIST ! Yes, indeed my father was born out of wedlock so really my name should be Sarah Doheny Fisher. I did mention that one day and got blown out of my seat and my grandmother told me that she would disown me if I added the Fisher name . WOW who does that . I gave the woman credit for having a child at that time, 1927 in a small town where indeed her name dates back to the Civil War and the entire family on that side is buried here in the hills. To raise a child before it was "cool" on your own and to just survive here and be judged by other women . Maybe that was why we never got along to a certain degree, she was bitter and most know her as head strong but not outgoing at all . Allow me to say this, most who knew said she was "different" yes indeed Elsie was . I am related to the Tea Pot Dome Scandal during the Harding adminsitration. The other Doheny's path's and I would cross later inlife. Pop-Pop met Elsie one night when he was on leave, he had a date but the father of his date answered the door saw his uniform and slammed it! So as the story goes, him and his buddy made their way to the Field House that night in Hamburg and yes they met and married sometime later. Those details and even a marriage license are sketchy to be honest . They celebrated over 50 years of marriage together. God bless him!
Pop-Pop afforded her a life that she never possibly would have had, he was a Chief in the Navy, after that he became a Post Man here and then resigned back into the Navy. When he came home he started what became Windsor Forge Pewter and Brass and to be honest became a household name as well as a gifted craftsman. I as a child went to the shows we were invited to as his name preceeded him as did he self-taught craft. I dressed in Colonial costume and poured pewter spoons. My father helped Pop-Pop with the pounding of Betty lamps ( this is how they lite there homes in Colonial times) and the other fabulous pieces he created out of REAL pewter. He became a part of the local culture here and still to do this day is remembered by many fondly. I also found recently that he had a bicycle repair shop for .25c you could rent a bike! I still have his bike as a matter of fact. I also still have the shop, forge and foundry. Every day I walk out I say Hi! to him, I picture him in his chair working on something for someone or just a new piece of work that he created, he was always doing something and the shop was our sanctuary.................................
I was raised in an upper middle class family in Delaware County, I have an older brother, Jay or John Edward whom has since passed . My mother had her own career and my father was a self -made man in the Navy, I am a Captain's daughter. If I wanted it I got it no questions asked .
I could do no wrong in his eyes, the pretty blond with blue eyes with the name of Sarah Beth. He coddled me when he was home and sent gifts from afar when he was not. I relished the moments I danced on his feet as a child to Friday's with Frank Sinatra . They were special times, and ones that I will never forget. In our household my mother's parents also lived with us, the house was large enough to accomandate them. My grandfather on the maternal side was a retired Lt. Commander in the Army , my grandmother a socialite. They hailed from Boston as I summered every year on the Cape. I was a latch-key kid before it was cool! I came home most days as a child to them and if they were traveling then I went to a girlfriends house until mom could pick me up. It was a dream childhood but now that I look back, one with an undertone. One that I would eventually find out about as I grew older. That is my paternal side,you see as I have not even touched on that yet. But all in all my life was good! Hey I was a kid what did I know! I had the best of all worlds here ~ traveled with my parents and grandparents when Jay and I could and then headed up to where I live now to stay there for a week or two. Let me tell you I disliked it intensely my Pop-Pop was my salvation .. Which is so for another day on how I got here and why I stayed ~ Now it is time for me to go and continue on my path elsewhere .
Growing up was superb by every stretch of the imagination a child could have. We had the family life, Sunday dinners, watching gladiator movies on a local station out of Philadelphia Channel 48 with Bernie Herman and CBS Sports with Jim McKay. We were members of the Pennsylvania Ballet, the Philadelphia Orchestra , lunches and fashion shows at what is now WHOLEFOODS in Wynnwood but used to be called Stouffers. Shopping at Lord and Taylor in Bala Cynwyd and then High Tea at the Birdcage at 3:00 p.m. and yes I wore white gloves ! I went to a public elementary school and hung out with my friends after school. No real bells and whistles here . I went on to Charles E Ellis School for Girls then Harcum Junior College only to wrap up my educational years at Philadelphia College of Textiles and Science .We were a family but being ten years younger than my brother what did I know ~ I was protected in everyway possible . As I grew up I knew that something was amiss , the pieces where just not fitting to a degree . Then it came crashing down I think, my mind is fuzzy here but I remember the players well like yesterday it was when I was 16 years old.
My paternal grandparents are from a very small town located in Berks County, Hamburg, one that faces at this time economic strife of all proportions to be honest. I called it Dutchland and remember the dialect well, it is very rare that you hear "dutchy" being spoken . My grandfather was my bud, you see my maternal grandparents died when I was younger so Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom were all I had at the time . I loved Pop-Pop he was my rock and stood by a woman whom he would never have children by nor was he allowed to adopt my father. TWIST ! Yes, indeed my father was born out of wedlock so really my name should be Sarah Doheny Fisher. I did mention that one day and got blown out of my seat and my grandmother told me that she would disown me if I added the Fisher name . WOW who does that . I gave the woman credit for having a child at that time, 1927 in a small town where indeed her name dates back to the Civil War and the entire family on that side is buried here in the hills. To raise a child before it was "cool" on your own and to just survive here and be judged by other women . Maybe that was why we never got along to a certain degree, she was bitter and most know her as head strong but not outgoing at all . Allow me to say this, most who knew said she was "different" yes indeed Elsie was . I am related to the Tea Pot Dome Scandal during the Harding adminsitration. The other Doheny's path's and I would cross later inlife. Pop-Pop met Elsie one night when he was on leave, he had a date but the father of his date answered the door saw his uniform and slammed it! So as the story goes, him and his buddy made their way to the Field House that night in Hamburg and yes they met and married sometime later. Those details and even a marriage license are sketchy to be honest . They celebrated over 50 years of marriage together. God bless him!
Pop-Pop afforded her a life that she never possibly would have had, he was a Chief in the Navy, after that he became a Post Man here and then resigned back into the Navy. When he came home he started what became Windsor Forge Pewter and Brass and to be honest became a household name as well as a gifted craftsman. I as a child went to the shows we were invited to as his name preceeded him as did he self-taught craft. I dressed in Colonial costume and poured pewter spoons. My father helped Pop-Pop with the pounding of Betty lamps ( this is how they lite there homes in Colonial times) and the other fabulous pieces he created out of REAL pewter. He became a part of the local culture here and still to do this day is remembered by many fondly. I also found recently that he had a bicycle repair shop for .25c you could rent a bike! I still have his bike as a matter of fact. I also still have the shop, forge and foundry. Every day I walk out I say Hi! to him, I picture him in his chair working on something for someone or just a new piece of work that he created, he was always doing something and the shop was our sanctuary.................................
Friday, July 23, 2010
I Have A Plan
I remember his words clearly as if they were yesterday, I can't remember the date, the time was after 5 p.m and most likely a weekday. I did not have a car that day and he was giving me a ride home at that time he also lived in Newtown Square. It was right after the Ridley Park exit on I-95 when these words were spoken to me. I just sat and stared at him I had no clue as I looked at this man who had a gentle heart but whom could be cunning. We became fast friends due to trials and tribulations at work as I was his assistant, our backgrounds were both military and to be honest he was very easy to speak to. He was also my boss,and his wife was an acquaintance of mine prior to working for them. Innocent? Oh yes on my part, never entered my mind that in the years to come what would eventually happen over the course of our lives.
Time moved on as we had our own lives and intermingled on holidays and other ocassions. You see my husband was also a friend of his wife from "back in the day" so we were fast friends who hung out when we could. Work was work, play was play we all intermixed beautifully within the enviroment. I truly loved my job at that time, I was new to the industry and he taught me the ropes of the embroidery world. I grew as the company did and thrived there as well. But something was about to change and change us indeed it did forever, well me at least.
It was the Monday after Thanksgiving, the opening day of Hunting Season with a knock at my door at 6 a.m. coffee in hand. All dressed in Camo looking like a lost teddy bear he had said he would stop by. Was I sure he would? Did I really even care? Then if he did well, then what! I started to feel like a teenager in high school. The stomach flips and flops,the tension and the whole uncertainty of what was about to eventually become a fabulous relationship. The gentleness that ensued was one that novels are made of, the caring kindness of this man to me was quite unusual and totally not expected . The conversation flowed effortlessly. We stole time whenever and wherever we could , we had ocassional Saturday lunch dates at a little place we found on 422 in Douglasville, Pa. Awesome friendships grew there as well as we became "regulars" and truly enjoyed everyone's company. The down side was leaving this fantasy fun, some days I did not want it to end! He was safe to me, he became a steady rock in my life where my husband could never enter for whatever reason. He filled my life with something that still to this day I can't describe to anyone. Truly would anyone believe me to begin with? I nicknamed myself, the head TOW~ the other women. I even contemplated a vanity plate! Ok who does that! We even joked about it . I became to know the game, I knew the past and the present of each player. It was my cross to bare and I did soley and totally.......................
Time moved on as we had our own lives and intermingled on holidays and other ocassions. You see my husband was also a friend of his wife from "back in the day" so we were fast friends who hung out when we could. Work was work, play was play we all intermixed beautifully within the enviroment. I truly loved my job at that time, I was new to the industry and he taught me the ropes of the embroidery world. I grew as the company did and thrived there as well. But something was about to change and change us indeed it did forever, well me at least.
It was the Monday after Thanksgiving, the opening day of Hunting Season with a knock at my door at 6 a.m. coffee in hand. All dressed in Camo looking like a lost teddy bear he had said he would stop by. Was I sure he would? Did I really even care? Then if he did well, then what! I started to feel like a teenager in high school. The stomach flips and flops,the tension and the whole uncertainty of what was about to eventually become a fabulous relationship. The gentleness that ensued was one that novels are made of, the caring kindness of this man to me was quite unusual and totally not expected . The conversation flowed effortlessly. We stole time whenever and wherever we could , we had ocassional Saturday lunch dates at a little place we found on 422 in Douglasville, Pa. Awesome friendships grew there as well as we became "regulars" and truly enjoyed everyone's company. The down side was leaving this fantasy fun, some days I did not want it to end! He was safe to me, he became a steady rock in my life where my husband could never enter for whatever reason. He filled my life with something that still to this day I can't describe to anyone. Truly would anyone believe me to begin with? I nicknamed myself, the head TOW~ the other women. I even contemplated a vanity plate! Ok who does that! We even joked about it . I became to know the game, I knew the past and the present of each player. It was my cross to bare and I did soley and totally.......................
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